Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My watch died at 11:30pm last night... It was the most incredible night of my life. At 3:00am I was still thinking it was 11:30. I was like "OMG the night still so young!!!!!" And kept on drinking... Yeah, I got home at 11:30pm, good girl!

   Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.

   Coffee and cigarettes, best thing in the world.

   Going to drink straight from the carton because I'm a badass!

   I hate the feel of wrinkly hands in the bath. Grandad's pretty persistent though.

   If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew at Edwards Air Force Base to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle Atlantis lands

   Boob is the perfect word cux it shows you what it means. Top view -> B ... Front view -> oo ... Side view -> b.

   When I woke up this morning I half expected to find a tiger in the bathroom and a baby in the closet...

   Don't wait for the one you can live with, be with the one you can't live without.

   you may be "special" but you are not uniquie.

   Whenever I see a fat kid running, the slogan 'America Runs On Dunkin' comes to mind.

   Dear "OK", you should be arrested for killing conversations.

   Sometimes those people you think are acting dumb are in fact not acting at all.

   How can a slim chance and a fat chance mean the same thing

   I stepped into the Wal-Mart bathroom and it smelled like Casey Anthony's trunk in there...

   so "Diet Pepsi" and "Diet Coke" are now linked to increased weight, diabetes, risk of stroke/heart disease and they ruin your taste buds.... Can we change the name now to just "Gross Tasting Drink"?

   "I couldn't give a rat's tutu about your emotional distress" -- Judge Judy

   If I cared, I'd draw you a map of your a$$ with an X marking the spot where your head is buried.

   Treating the whole world as if it works for you doesn't suggest you're special, it means you're an a$$.

   some days, its not even worth chewing through the restraints.