Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the point of the Psychic Hotline if they won't tell me where my other shoe is?!?

   I just read that the Actor who plays Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter said he is going to become a rapper! .... can we all say Expecto Disapointmento!

   Either I'm really drunk or you're really hot. The choice is yours.

   I recommend you chickens learn to talk. Nobody ever said, "Let's go get a bucket of parrot."

   When I sense that some one is talking down to me I like to see just how dumb I can act.

   I guess Amish people have to just yell out their status updates... so sad.

   Life is dangerous: You could slip in the shower, get hit by a bus, mauled by a bear or drown in breasts (it happens, look it up).

   I can see movies at any time, I'd rather have BOOZE on demand...

   Do you know how much more gas mileage my car would get if it didn't have to haul my fat ass around?

   Did Nostradamus get it wrong with his predictions and predict the end of the News of the World?

   I'm not talented enough to type and pick my nose at the same time.

   Tattoos are bumper stickers for the soul.

   The stuff I never tell anyone is so much more awesome than the stuff I tell everyone.

   If I was the Director of NASA, I would make all of the ground crew dress up as Apes when the space shuttle Atlantis lands just to screw with them....now that would make a good movie...

   Don't piss me off and then tell me to calm down. That's just like stabbing someone and then asking them not to bleed.

   If you wink constantly while you're committing a crime, you cannot be arrested for it.

   Regular a** (_!_) fat a** (__!__) tight a** (!) dumba** (_?_)

   New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.

   How many Bears can Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill Bears?

   It's so hott, I just seen a bird blow on a worm before it ate it..