Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

   Laugh at your problems, everybody else does

   Pretending to care about what the birthday card says, but you really just want the money.

   Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

   Tall girl & Short guy = Awkward. Tall girl & Tall guy = Cute. Short girl & Tall guy = Adorable. Short girl & Short guy = AWW.

   5.Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.

   everything your not

   men, take care of your wives. Cause if you dont there are plenty of guys that will.

   Does the plus sign mean Google tested positive for Facebook?

   i like to fast forward through menopause commercials

   In the movie of life, I am my own stunt double.

   I am going to only talk like a gangster from the 1940s starting right now. See?

   Follow Does this Dress make me look cross-dresserish?

   Im so sick of my smartphone. If technology was up to me, we'd just now be getting around to the whistle thingy when a tea kettle gets hot.

   I always put eggs in a ziplock bag before I crack them open in case a chicken darts out.

   I like to do my ATM transactions in Spanish, ‘cause then it feels like a bigger deal when the money comes out.

   It's so hot I just saw a squirrel soaking his nuts in Gatorade!(get ur mind outta the gutter not those kinda nuts)

   It must be "National Beat Up Your Co-Worker Day" cause I've got the urge to walk across the hall and enjoy my holiday.

   im not saying I'm a badass, but I do play the wii without the straps

   It is so frigging hot I just saw a squirrel soaking his nuts in gatorade .