Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need this find a stay-at-home job. Hey Facebook you hiring?

   I can't believe it's already 5 o clock and almost time to get moving from the couch to the refrigerator.

   Two more rolls of duct tape and I should have this tv mounted.

   Have a toke, it's not peer pressure, it's just your turn man

   I miss the old everybody. Ain't nobody the same no more.

   How come the same people who don’t trust the government telling us to stay home all of a sudden trust the government when they tell us it’s OK to go back?

   I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

   Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

   I asked my North Korean friend how it was there and he said "I can't complain"

   Casinos are offering curbside pickup. just call ahead and they'll come out to your car and take your money

   A guy at Kroger asked me if I know where Engagement, Ohio is. I said it's between Dayton and Marion.

   Who else has been drunk the entire month of Mapril?

   I like seeing people with no mask or gloves on. Just raw doggin' life

   The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill, with a thank you note.

   You'd think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they'd be able to reverse into a parking spot.

   Went looking for milk but all they had was nut milk no one seemed to want, which makes me wonder if calling it nut milk had anything to do with that?

   I just wanna take a vacation and get nastier than a black jelly bean

   Lots of mothers are gonna be surprised when their Mother's Day gift is a barrel of oil

   You can't say $1200 ain't sh*t if you qualify for the $1200...

   It's so hard not to get reckless with this $1200 check. I think I'm gonna go buy me a tiger