Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, it's not that there are no good men out there. It's just that you turned down 6 of em that wanted a chance to treat you right and you chose the a$$hole.

   My Dear Ex, Don't get your hopes up about the pics of us on Facebook. The reason why I haven't deleted some of the photos is purely because I look good in them.

   When offering an apology, if you include buts... and excuses it kind of negates the apology... What do you think?

   Dear ladies. I know you are "twice the woman", but that doesn't mean you have to wear twice the swimsuit...A one-piece will do much better

   There is never a GOOD way to say BYE.

   "No comment" usually translates into "Oh, if you only knew."

   Her eyes were like diamonds, so shiny and bright. But her teeth were like stars... they come out every night.

   Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid.

   The bar was closed when I got there with a sign that said, “The door is alarmed.” I said to myself, “How do you think I feel?”

   "I laughed, I cried, then laughed, then cried, then laughed, then cried..." -Early reviews for 'The Bi-Polar Express'

   I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.

   i think I am going to go plank on my couch...i'll upload pics later

   with your looks and my brains, we could totally win a sports radio trivia contest.

   Dream: Own a beer company named responsibly. Then all the other beer companies do my advertising for me.

   I find it ironic that the Chase Freedom commercial features a guy who keeps getting caught in a metal detector

   if you don't want to be a full time daddy put that thing on your pants

   I don't care if people call you the space cowboy, gangster of love or Maurice. I think you're delusional.

   Error 4:04 A.M. no sleep available

   The number one thing I learned on xbox live is, a lot of 12 year olds have slept with my mom.

   I forgot my "smart" phone at home today, and I must say...it's kinda nice!