Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I find it annoying when someone posts "Got the most exciting news today!" Then when asked what, it turns out to me something lame like "My cat is pregnant again."

   I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my Doctor calls them, symptoms...

   On "It starts tomorrow diet."

   We worry too much about sleeping with someone we don´t know than to actually take the time to find someone worth waking up to.

   As long as Rebecca Black is alive Casey Anthony will always be the 2nd most hated living person

   I am glad I am American, and I am glad that I am free, but I wish I was a dog, and Obama was a tree.

   We get it. Female without the vowels is FML. Enough.

   This is the kind of heat that causes Rob Thomas and Santana to collaborate.

   Sometimes, in a relationship, there comes a time you have to quit bullsh*tting and just shut up, swallow your pride, accept that you are wrong and apologize. It's not giving up, it's called growing up.

   I am all for small talk but that does not mean you can initiate a chat with me and bore me to death.

   Whenever someone posts something like, “Just went on a massive friend-deleting spree!,” I'm never quite sure whether to feel like a winner for making the cut or a loser for having friends lame e

   I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.

   The phrase “I need to talk to you” has the ability to strike fear into the heart of anyone

   Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison

   I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.

   GRAPEVINE??? lol Noooope I heard it through FACEBOOK lololol

   I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from Harry Potter. When your best friend gets the girl, bang his sister instead!

   OCCUPATION: Bullsh*t Recognition Specialist.

   I am not a mirror: I see you completely differently from the way you see yourself. Bear that in mind next time you want to ask me how you look.

   I like the fact that a pie in the face only gets a ten minute meeting suspension. England runs a tight ship. Let's clean him up and resume.