Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q: What should you do if you meet a nympho? A: Thank your lucky stars, and start believing in God.

   Its Nelson Mandela day and his birthday today and people still wish him many many more years. For heavens sake the man is 93 years old.

   just watching a W.W.E event with two chicks fighting... I think the proper name for that is W.T.F!!!?

   Sometimes, you simply need to walk away from people that weren't who you thought they were...or more importantly, who you wanted them to be.

   DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for things I may say or do in other people's dreams.

   ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ scratch and you can win free cats for life

   A sign outside a brothel… “Married men are not allowed, we are here to serve the needy not the greedy.”

   Good night this half of the world, good morning to the other half... and good sunny day people from Mercury!

   I'm going to get in shape, pear is a shape...right???

   ▒▒broke my spac▒ebar but ▒▒a▒▒ little duct tape goes▒▒ a long w▒ay….

   BREAKING NEWS: United States resumes not caring about soccer, looks forward to NFL Football in September

   I'm not one to brag, but I deserve a medal. I just rescued a piece of cake that was trapped in the refrigerator.

   I'm not saying she is nasty, but her astrological sign is Biohazard.

   A homeless man comes up to asking for change,I say"change comes from within" he looked stunned.

   dear yellow light. challenge accepted!

   as a true sports fan, and not picking sides the performance of the USA Women's Soccer Team is a BIG STFU to the all the male chauvinist people out there who don't like women's sports

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got Alzheimer's, cheese on toast.

   Americans think that the word Morons applies to them? C'mon guys don't think that about yourselves... That's for the rest of the world to do.

   I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush

   Likes cooking just to see how fast fire trucks can really go