Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trying to impeach a man whom wants to put God back in school will send you all straight to Hell.

   Last night I saw a gigantic spider in our bedroom so I did what any man would do... I got into an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.

   I sent wait for the devil to take the souls of the ones who believes in taking an oath to God, but applauding when the GOP blatantly lies in order to protect someone.

   Imagine if Ted Bundy was treated with such leniency at his trial....

   it rude to start asking my mother-in-law for daily child care fees? Her child is a handful and I don't work for free.

   If your mom still washes your underwear, you're not allowed to have an opinion about anything.

   Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn't have a job.

   A wise man once told me, "Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that"

   Schiff is like a boil on the ass of democracy.

   A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

   Any man that believes women are "the weaker sex," has never tried to reclaim his half of the blankets on a cold winter's night...

   Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. Once it’s on you, it’s there forever.

   If you really think about it, "F**k You" is a compliment.

   Experts at this week's world economic forum that said in the future, cell phones will likely be tiny computer chips implanted in our brains. Great, now I have to worry about leaving my brain in the couch.

   Doctors say that your attention span is like a muscle that can be strengthened. I didn't read the rest of the article because I saw a shiny thing.

   At the zoo or on an African safari, they always pick the First Round Giraffe Choice.

   Scrabble would be more fun if it were full contact, like hockey. But then someone might lose an "I".

   I don't knead your dough, but my bread machine does.

   If I’m looking for discount clock parts, should I go to a second hand store?

   My wife was in hospital for a mastectomy, I told her to keep me abreast