Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh my god!! What is that enormous red gasious ball of fire in the sky that's making everyone take their clothes off???!?!?

   Well, the NFL players have officially decided that I will not be spending Sundays with my family this Fall...

   Stop telling me how to do my job! I don't go down to your work and knock the d!ck out your mouth, do I?

   thinking that some people should get two Facebook accounts...one for each face

   I think there should be a hotline that won't answer for people who never take advice in the first place.

   Thank you flies, for flying in my face, buzzing by my ears and vomiting on my food, but becoming invisible the moment I pick up the swatter

   Pick a number, double it, add 10, divide it by 2, then minus it by the number you started with. LIKE if you got 5

   Lesbians don't hate men. You must be thinking of married straight women.

   Parents should be reminded, gently and often, that "I love you ANYWAY" is not a compliment.

   When you start working on your own manifesto, its time to go talk to the professionals in the mental health industry.

   worried that my latest Goodwill donation will result in homeless people looking like sluts from the 90s

   Excuse me underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas...

   I may not have 'hoes' in different area codes but I'm pretty sure I've left a phone charger in most of them.

   If a robber ever breaks in, I'll just pretend to be one too, and we'll laugh and hug and he'll leave because I have first dibs.

   Sinners can undoubtedly be reformed, but stupid, stupid is forever.

   Don't think of yourself as a failure, think of yourself as unspoiled by success.

   After suffering my 5000th stubbed toe, I believe now is the time to invent "Nerf" end tables!

   just set up an eMeeting with myself, but it was a no show

   sitting here at my command center wondering which country I will systematically destroy today... ~stroking my beard~

   I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"