Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im tryin to beat The Heat like Dirk Nowitzki.

   The amount of times I've "apparently" won an ipod an ipad or an iphone while I'm on the internet would put apple out of business!

   So me && grandma go for a joy ride and I turn on the radio, she says" who in the devil is this?" I replyed Grandma, his name is 50 cent, she then said " well I'll give him a dollar to shut up!"

   Who the hell put the sun on HIGH?????

   Wow it's hot!.....I'm sweating like a Priest at a Cub Scout picnic! ツ

   Every flaw in my character is quietly salvaged as evidence of my genius.

   A necktie functions like a tourniquet, preventing excess blood from entering the head.

   “Tired of online dating? You're not alone.” Yes you are. That's why you're dating online.

   I wrote a joke about the short duration of cocaine, in fact the joke itself is a one-liner.

   If I could find a deaf, mute hot blonde....I would give her the world!!

   My chat box is now open for flirting.

   has been on so many blind dates I should get a free guide dog!

   American presidents: ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☻

   If you get drunk, don't worry. I'll let my sex drive.

   I don't mean to sound sleezy but tease me I don't want it if it's that easy.

   All I heard was, "I swear it'll be funny"... Then we were in jail.

   In today's economy, a picture is only worth about 250 words.

   The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.

   Most cocaine addicts don't even like cocaine, they just use it as an excuse to put dollar bills up their nose.

   I just had a SPIDER try webbing down on me this morning in the shower. Let me tell you, that'll kill a morning wood REAL quick!