Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im giving away dead batteries, they are free of charge!

   No matter how tough, hardcore, or badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you WILL answer it.

   "You can't have your cake and eat it too." - People who obviously don't understand what you're supposed to do with cake

   The TRUE pregnancy test is whether he'll stick around if it's positive.

   News casters trying to find snappy name for current heat wave - Some suggest calling it: Summer

   I'm watching for anyone complaining about the heat. I will copy your post and save it for winter. Then I WILL paste it to your profile with WHO IS HOT NOW when you are buried snow. OH you know who you are!

   I need a stunt double because I am so damn tired of jumping through hoops!

   You know why Rednecks like it doggie style? So they can both watch Nascar together!!

   Impossible is Nothing , Average is Nowhere and Mediocrity is for Others !!

   I want to become a receptionist so I can say "Your son Rip is on line toot"

   When I become a billionaire I'll still do stuff here. I'll just say, "In your face, peasants!" as I hit submit

   How to be cool on facebook: Profile>Account Settings>Delete Profile

   You think its hot where you're at...... you should feel it where I am - Osama Bin Laden

   WELCOME TO FACEBOOK, the place where relationships are perfect, liars believe they are telling the truth, & the WORLD shows off they are living a great life; where your ENEMIES are the ones that visit your profile the most, your FRIENDS & FAMILY block you

   Used to comment and joke when the didgets were in their hundreds now your a pretty tough crowd

   It is so HOT in my town ... Water in public swimming pools is evaporating so fast that children are being encouraged to swim in the deep end and keep ignoring the,"no peeing" rule...

   The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

   Rather than raising the debt ceiling, why can't we just have a shorter government?

   Just brainstorming about debt. Uh, instead of raising the ceiling, what about lowering the floor?

   A man can lose alot of money chasing women, but he will never lose a woman chasing money!