Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter. "I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and $52,389,630.00 cash. Wow says the granddaughter.. Where is this wealth? On my FB.

   My parents had a weird perspective on raising me. The day they brought me home from the hospital when I was born, they put a sign on my bedroom door: "Checkout Time is 18 years."

   Monica Lewinsky has changed her political affiliation to Republican. The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

   The next person that says "It's not the heat, it's the humidity" is going to realize, "It's not my fist, it's the impact".

   how do beautiful people travel? Because they certainly don't appear to be using airports.

   everyone has pretended to die infront their pets to see if they would do anything.

   that mini heart attack when you think you've lost something.

   Sitting on an active subwoofer is the closest I will ever get to any form of anal sex.

   will they change the genre of movie "2012" to comedy on 22nd Dec, 2012??

   It's so hot my ac is on energy saver but it hasn't gone off yet to save me energy. Smh. Money blowing out the window.

   Next time she wants to talk to me tell her I'm too busy & trying to get that damn knife out of my back

   Men think of sex every seven seconds..thats why I eat a corndog in six seconds... so things dont get weird

   anyone else addicted to Pawn Stars because they misrerad the title the first time they turned it on???

   I honestly believe Nancy Grace thinks she can bring Caylee back to life....that or is SHE the one making money off of a lil girl's death?? Think about it!

   Drinking; for those times where the most economical choice is a vacation that's close to home

   I'm a big fan of 50 Cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, four hundred million dollars.

   I've had such a fantastic day, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

   when someone asks me "Hi, how r u?" my response is " High!! How r u?" they just don't seem to get it ;)

   The proper skirt length is at least 2 inches below your cellulite.

   I think I need a catch phrase after sex...Something like "You've just been blessed!!" or "And now you know...And knowing is half the battle!!" or my personal favorite "Shazaam!!"