Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I could find a deaf, mute hot blonde....I would give her the world!!

   My chat box is now open for flirting.

   has been on so many blind dates I should get a free guide dog!

   American presidents: ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☻

   If you get drunk, don't worry. I'll let my sex drive.

   I don't mean to sound sleezy but tease me I don't want it if it's that easy.

   All I heard was, "I swear it'll be funny"... Then we were in jail.

   In today's economy, a picture is only worth about 250 words.

   The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.

   Most cocaine addicts don't even like cocaine, they just use it as an excuse to put dollar bills up their nose.

   I just had a SPIDER try webbing down on me this morning in the shower. Let me tell you, that'll kill a morning wood REAL quick!

   there is always that one pair of socks you can never get off, by just using your big toe!

   Its not the heat, its your FACE!!!

   thinking about lighting up the fire pit to cool down outside

   if alcohol is a crutch, then Jack Daniels is the wheelchair

   I think my memory must be made up of at least 90% song lyrics...

   My twelve year old was riding with me listening to a classic rock station and he says "I can't believe they have a Rock Band staion!"

   Right now....your tongue can't find a comfortable spot in your mouth

   It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that.."

   I'm smart my lightbulb just flickers sometimes.