Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I wish I was an animal. Animals don't bullsh*t each other; they always keep it real and to the point. Animal pickup line is simple and effective - " I like you let's make babies”

   Don't say all guys are the same when it's just you who keeps falling for the same type of guys. The losers and the abusers.

   A guy can get up to 20 years prison for throwing peanuts at a flight attendant. Casey Anthony killed her daughter and she goes free. Yeah, seems fair..

   Ok RedBull. You and I, we're done..No, we can't be just friends, it's over. I know, it's hard for you, but if all goes well, in a few months you can start a support group with your cohorts, caffeine and nicotine, coz their time is soon coming to an end .

   thinks we should all deal with things like dogs: if you can't eat it, sniff it, or hump it, then piss on it and walk away!!

   Some sick f##ks in this world I tell you.. That sicko in Norway who killed 87 kids needs to be given the same treatment.. Line him up and 86 members of his vile family and torture them until they cry for mercy and then finish them off.

   Say what you want about drunk people, but at least they've had all their shots.

   I wanna give a minute to thank GOD for me being born in the era with A/C.

   Worse thing about having a couple ex's in group of friends. I always have to check the attending list on Facebook events before confirming.

   : Please do not take my kindness for weakness. Because I will not be afraid to knock you the hell out!

   Hey, Red Bull, you know what else gives us wings? Kotex. There seems to be a slam dunk marketing opportunity here that someone is missing.

   Chris Schwarzenegger should be less concerned with the collapsed lung and more with the fact that his family has a replacement standing by.

   Gotta love AC with this heat, but damn it's colder than a witches ( . ) in here...

   The U.S. is moving closer and closer to defaulting on our debt... maybe we should ask Citibank, Bank of America and GM to bail us out...

   Dude... I just walked outside and my air conditioner flipped me the finger!

   When I get multiple friend requests on MySpace, my pager goes crazy.

   There's a reason Congress begins with the word con. Con is the oppsosite of pro, so Congress must be the opposite of progress.

   Lazy Rule #15: Be sure your woman is trained to bring a sandwich after going to pound town.

   Lazy Rule #14: If you drop the ice cube, just kick it under the fridge or the stove...

   People who say "I'm beside myself" are often mistaken.... with the notable exception of time travellers and Siamese twins.