Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

   A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof!

   I can't take you seriously if your skirt is so short I can see your tampon string

   I wonder if Captain America had to borrow money from Captain China to get the movie done

   Tupac died because he lived the thug life. This 12 pack is going to die because I live the chug life.

   I mixed a chunk of poop into the dog's shampoo so he wouldn't feel obligated to roll around in anything stinky after his bath.

   If after many drinks, and she still looks ugly, put a flag on her head and do it for your country.

   Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and now Amy Winehouse, all died at 27. So only 10 more years of Justin Bieber

   The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old.

   There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants.

   To the lady I just read about in the personal ads. It's all in how you word things. Don't say you are divorced and have 3 kids. Say you are experienced and have 3 tax deductions.

   I can't believe I'm having to even post this. But to the fine up standing citizen who is concerned about some of my post. I DID NOT REALLY SLAP A HO' AT THE HOLIDAY IN EXPRESS LAST NIGHT. It was at the Red Roof Inn.

   A mom is cleaning her son's bedroom and finds a hidden stack of bondage and fetish magazines. She asks her husband what to do and he says, "What ever you do, don't f*ckin' spank him!"

   You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. But there's a problem... You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. You're not fooling anyone.

   If you laugh like this ----> bahaha, I assume you're part sheep. ;)

   Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise...

   If you think I care about what you think of me, then you've highly over estimated my opinion of you.

   People say that I'm stubborn but I insist that I'm not. They eventually give in to me.

   Ladies, that "gangsta" face you make in your Facebook pictures isn't cute. You look like you're trying to smell your upper lip.

   Anybody who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.