Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there is a good chance my eyes will be red tomorrow

   I've just popped down with my floral tribute to Amy Winehouse, last years Xmas tree. It's the perfect tribute, 5 & a half feet, dead & surrounded by needles.

   my mother never understood the irony in calling me a "son-of-a-b*tch"

   A fool is a 37th floor window washer who steps backs to see his work.

   a drinking problem...I can't afford it

   have you ever noticed that "lol" looks like some guy frantically waving his hands in the air?

   told his mum that the screaming coming from the tv was in fact tennis players grunting when hitting the ball...Don't think she fell for it!

   Its a stank fishy smell in the air...the prostitutes must be overheating

   I am so bored I'm logging in and out of facebook for entertainment!

   "I don't care if it takes 10 years, a war and trillions of dollars, I will find you." - Me about figuring out who unfriended me on Facebook.

   Saying "cool" also means, I don't give a sh!t.

   I get hit on by so many cougar, the discovery channel & Antiques road show offered me my own show called Vintage Gash Hunter

   People treat you differently when you're holding a baby. Especially in strip clubs.

   "This pu55y won't eat itself!" "Actually, those leggings are proving otherwise."

   Still haven't figured out how to inflate a balloon with farts. Still no way I'm gonna stop trying.

   The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.

   Well, I see no one turned up for first day of ninja school… or did they?

   SHREK is the best fairytale ever, it gives ugly guys hope and teaches them that you don't always have to be the most handsome to get the girl and live happily ever after.

   I believe I've just serendipitously solved the world's energy crisis. They need to start using English Muffins as insulation. Those things retain heat for an eternity after they pop out of the toaster. (I didn't need these fingertips anyway.)

   They began filming the new Batman movie here in Pittsburgh. This is going to be great!! In this one, he gets caught by the bad guys and the Gotham Police…Damn road construction!!