Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive

   if anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it is equally awkward for both of us.

   Statistically, I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to hell in multiple religions.

   We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield

   Who else thinks ambulances and fire trucks would be more efficient if they played "Move b!tch, get out the way" instead of using a siren?

   Just heard about the death of one of the biggest stars of our time. We all knew they had it coming with the pale white skin and slits for a nose, they'll be greatly missed. RIP Voldemort...

   Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.”

   I have enjoyed my Childhood so much that I am looking forward to my adultery.

   When someone says to me "hi how are you" I say "high how are you" and they never seem to get it.

   My get up and go attitude got up and left me

   How come every time I have to deal with customer service or technical support of anything, it's always some incompetent person telling me to do what I've already been doing. Like it's my fault that their crap doesn't work.

   I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

   Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar

   From now on I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly a F@$&@ng idiot.

   I hate how "lol" turns a perfectly good conversation into awkward silence for at least 10 seconds

   You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and damn move on.

   "I looooove him, I caaaaan't live without him, he is my life" No you don't, your 23, and you met him 6 days ago. Take your damn dramatic a$$ off FB somewhere else.

   I put the "fun" in insufficient funds.

   Pinata or not ,I'm surprised Mary Lou Retton didn't stick the landing.

   I have found, through my extensive research, that you apparently have to be missing teeth in order to witness a Bigfoot or UFO sighting.