Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to a "family style" restaurant, they yelled at me the whole time.

   Hi, may I help you?" "No I just waited 15 mins in the line to say Hi.

   My girlfriend is a porn star, she's going to be so pissed when she finds out.

   There's nothing quite like a 10 penny nail thru the arch of your foot!

   The Mississippi delta was shining like a national guitar.....

   You're like the moron that brought a knife to the gun fight and then bragged about how sharp it was..

   tha a scar on your face? oh sorry thats just your mouth.

   Ok great name for a band .".Half Price Drinks" how can you not pack them in on a Friday night with that name on the sign out front

   Who will go down in history as the best HIDE AND GO SEEK player....Bin Laden or Casey Anthony?

   Mentally. Physically. Faster. Stronger. Work hard. Play hard. Pray hard.

   I don't keep up with such things, but is there a male Eastern European porn star named Vlad the Impaler yet?

   My Ouija board keeps saying "Boo! LOL J/K!" Stupid teenage ghosts.

   Why was that Rorschach guy so obsessed with drawing pictures of my mom naked?

   Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. Cause and effect moron.

   Pouring petrol in a diesel car is like pouring vodka into a woman, it seems alright at first but you just know later on it's gonna break down!

   If I park 20 spots from the store, in an empty parking lot and you park right next to me, I'm slamming my door into your car 34 times.

   I like to show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

   If you get a tattoo on your face you can pretty much guarantee you are no longer anyone's emergency contact.

   I have this recurring dream where I'm locked up in a room with all the people I've ever offended in my entire life and they are all glaring at me and I think, Great! I get to make fun of all you losers at once.

   I test my jokes on my dog, if he wags his tail - they make the cut.