Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I believe I've just serendipitously solved the world's energy crisis. They need to start using English Muffins as insulation. Those things retain heat for an eternity after they pop out of the toaster. (I didn't need these fingertips anyway.)

   They began filming the new Batman movie here in Pittsburgh. This is going to be great!! In this one, he gets caught by the bad guys and the Gotham Police…Damn road construction!!

   I hear that if congress can reach a deal on the US debt ceiling, that Obama will be given a 2nd nobel peace prize for no reason at all

   I am thinking people with Bulimia like KFC because it comes with a bucket!

   SINGLE= Stay Intoxicated Nightly Get Laid Everyday

   Why is it that married, engaged and other supposedly “taken” women flirt much more than single women? Are they damn greedy or they just want to enjoy the best of both worlds?

   says ok I ll admit It, I am a pervert . Now stop going on about it and grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, a vibrator, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.

   The Hardest Desicion of Our Childhood: Charmander, Squirtle or Baulbasaur.

   Police call it "reckless driving", we call it "skills

   Apple currently has more money on their balance sheet than the Federal Government........

   You smile I smile, you get hurt I get hurt, you cry I cry, you jump off a bridge, I'm gonna miss you....

   Condoms are like going to a music concert with cotton buds in your ears.

   Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, a vibrator, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.

   Gym Trainer 2 me : No pain no Gain So I kicked him in his nuts...n said "Now wonder what you gonna Gain from this Pain" :P

   I feel like I'm livin out the movie friday in this damn recession.... Got cereal, no milk.. Got ham, no bread... Got koolaid, no sugar FML

   on a new diet.. eat what a caveman would eat... the "Paleo Diet".. I like it... but where do I find fresh dinosaur? :)

   Eating a popsicle in front of the guy you're banging and eating a popsicle in front of your dad requires two totally different techniques.

   Why do they call it a Flash Mob when no one gets naked?

   ..after reading the side effects – pale stools, facial tics, constipation, sore throat, hives, chest pain & mouth sores – for erectile dysfunction pills, I've come to a rational conclusion: It's totally worth it.

   OMG! Anyone know the number of the water treatment plant? I need to let em know I just sent something their way that is going to cause trouble when it gets there....Lordy Lordy Lordy!