Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says ok I ll admit It, I am a pervert . Now stop going on about it and grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, a vibrator, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.

   The Hardest Desicion of Our Childhood: Charmander, Squirtle or Baulbasaur.

   Police call it "reckless driving", we call it "skills

   Apple currently has more money on their balance sheet than the Federal Government........

   You smile I smile, you get hurt I get hurt, you cry I cry, you jump off a bridge, I'm gonna miss you....

   Condoms are like going to a music concert with cotton buds in your ears.

   Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, a vibrator, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.

   Gym Trainer 2 me : No pain no Gain So I kicked him in his nuts...n said "Now wonder what you gonna Gain from this Pain" :P

   I feel like I'm livin out the movie friday in this damn recession.... Got cereal, no milk.. Got ham, no bread... Got koolaid, no sugar FML

   on a new diet.. eat what a caveman would eat... the "Paleo Diet".. I like it... but where do I find fresh dinosaur? :)

   Eating a popsicle in front of the guy you're banging and eating a popsicle in front of your dad requires two totally different techniques.

   Why do they call it a Flash Mob when no one gets naked?

   ..after reading the side effects – pale stools, facial tics, constipation, sore throat, hives, chest pain & mouth sores – for erectile dysfunction pills, I've come to a rational conclusion: It's totally worth it.

   OMG! Anyone know the number of the water treatment plant? I need to let em know I just sent something their way that is going to cause trouble when it gets there....Lordy Lordy Lordy!

   I find it astonishing I can remember every wordto Wild Wild West by Will Smith, which I haven't heard in 10 years, but can't find my keys

   TRUE STORY: I got 99 chargers but my phone aint 1

   We let you do whatever you want. Otherwise, why the hell would you ever come here?? - Nevada's State Motto

   Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.

   I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...

   Saw this guy drowning so I threw him a life saver. His last words were, "what is this.. candy?"