Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If two past lovers remain friends, it`s either someone is still in love, or someone is still hoping for a second chance.

   had a very confident breakdown today. Wasn't nervous at all.

   would like to congratulate Amy Winehouse on 1 week of sobriety!!!

   If the government fails to raise the debt ceiling and stops paying their bills, I will stop paying mine, fair is fair

   You'll never guess what came in my mail todday. The mailman did :(

   Man with one foot on 'yesterday' and one foot on 'tomorrow' will end up pissing on 'today'.

   Dear Phone, Maybe if you didn`t light up so many damn times telling me you had a low battery, you wouldn`t have died so damn quickly!

   Wrong # call = boring. Wrong text message = fun. Some1 text me "Carl, where the hell r u?" I responded "sex change, call you back as Carla."

   my relationship status and my underwear situation are one in the same. (It's complicated)

   If I've learned one thing in life it's: No matter what the problem is, alcohol is always the answer.

   Where's Waldo has created a generation of women who chase unavailable men.

   "Girls night out" is the best way to say "No one wants to date me."

   No Facebook, I don't want to have you as my home page. I actually have a life -_-

   I've been internet single since before the internet was invented.

   What kind of lunch boxes do super heroes take to school?

   Girls: Going into detail about your period is about as attractive as a guy trying to detail the smell of his brother's scrotum.

   I LOVE my new x rated -GPS "Ahhh right there! Yes! Yes! Right there! Don't stop!!"

   One day my imaginary friend said to me: ''Do realize I am the real one and I am imagining you, right?''

   Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you

   Walking into your closet not knowing whenever it'll be Monsters Inc. or Narnia