Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   some people deserve the middle finger more often

   I am actually quite pleasant until I'm awake.

   so cool, you can set your clock by his 5 oclock shadow

   I'm speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I was going, Officer.

   I don't think I've ever been told I'm a bad listener.

   Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, but he never called his wife or mother because they were both deaf... which would actually make him the original inventor of the 'booty call' as well.

   next time you go through the drive-thru at McD, order a burger and say "can you please hold the pickle" in a sexy voice... trust me, it's worth it!

   The phrase "You come in handy" sounds like something an Asian masseuse might say for an extra $50

   Who else's heart skips for a split second when your girlfriend asks to use your computer?

   Just opened a new tube of pringles - but disappointed - there's only three in there, and they're all tennis ball flavour.

   i'm not a vegetarian but I eat animals that are

   if you have to ask how much that drink is, you probably shouldn't be drinking it

   weird. I was playing mini golf and this angry dude from New Zealand offered to carry my putter and kept swatting my wifes camera out of her hand

   my buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"

   need to check my wifes license...apparently she changed her name to Princess without telling me

   I have never been a big fan of Mr. Bubble. I find it odd that I'm not allowed to be on a first-name basis with someone who has seen me naked hundreds of times

   there is a good chance my eyes will be red tomorrow

   I've just popped down with my floral tribute to Amy Winehouse, last years Xmas tree. It's the perfect tribute, 5 & a half feet, dead & surrounded by needles.

   my mother never understood the irony in calling me a "son-of-a-b*tch"

   A fool is a 37th floor window washer who steps backs to see his work.