Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you ever see one of them chicks who looked like they put all their make up on a dirty concrete floor and just dove face 1st into it?

   If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least 4 hours but a food shortage after..LOL

   Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.

   I try to get out of my car with my seatbelt still on far more than any person should,

   My favorite colors are Grey Goose & Red Bull.

   I sleep naked so if there's some sort of emergency I immediately make it sexy.

   Turns out, "Cowboys & Aliens" is NOT about Arizona's immigration laws.

   If it bothers you when I stare and drool, than dont display them!!!

   I hope you are as good with your lips as you are good with your words!

   If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else ... And Seek Counseling.

   My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

   I'm not overconfident. My low self-esteem is at an all-time high!

   Aug 1st- today is the beginning of my 12 step program. Step one, get another beer!

   My mom knew I was a wild child the day I was born when I used my umbilical cord to bungie jump!

   If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least 4 hours.

   In hamster years I'm over 2000 years old. Not bad for a chain smoking sugar addict.

   Similar to Willy Wonka putting 5 golden tickets into bars of chocolate, Lays have started a new competition where they have placed 5 chips into their bags of air.

   The Pizza Delivery Guy said "Thank you" but his face said: "Porn really, really lied to me about what this job was like."

   Today MTV turns 30, and yes I'm old enough to remember when they played music videos

   MOM: “Why is there a condom in your purse?!” DAUGHTER: “I dunno. Would you be happier if you found a baby in my purse instead?”