Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If it bothers you when I stare and drool, than dont display them!!!

   I hope you are as good with your lips as you are good with your words!

   If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else ... And Seek Counseling.

   My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

   I'm not overconfident. My low self-esteem is at an all-time high!

   Aug 1st- today is the beginning of my 12 step program. Step one, get another beer!

   My mom knew I was a wild child the day I was born when I used my umbilical cord to bungie jump!

   If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least 4 hours.

   In hamster years I'm over 2000 years old. Not bad for a chain smoking sugar addict.

   Similar to Willy Wonka putting 5 golden tickets into bars of chocolate, Lays have started a new competition where they have placed 5 chips into their bags of air.

   The Pizza Delivery Guy said "Thank you" but his face said: "Porn really, really lied to me about what this job was like."

   Today MTV turns 30, and yes I'm old enough to remember when they played music videos

   MOM: “Why is there a condom in your purse?!” DAUGHTER: “I dunno. Would you be happier if you found a baby in my purse instead?”

   AhhhChooo!! If you are allergic to bulls**t, liars, head games, drama queens, two-faced fake people... Repost this and keep this sneeze going.

   I hate when I sleep on my arm by accident, and waking up in the middle of the night not being able to feel it

   It's funny how some people think they can fool me when I ignore their calls and they call me with a private number 5 minutes later. You really think I am that stupid? I know it's YOU.

   The only time I have a drinking problem is when I have to close my tab at the end of the night.

   Just an FYI no one wants to date a b1tch even if your good looking.

   I almost forgot what is was like to have a GF until the gps unit would not STFU when I pulled off the freeway to get more gas in the car.

   You can tell you have been on the road too long when you pull out the key fob that opens up your car doors and keep hitting the button trying to open the front door to the house.