Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you want things to be done, give them to a man, but when you want things to be discussed, hand them over to a woman!

   Zoo tip: Real Tigers often do not follow the rules of "Eenie meenie miney moe"

   GHETTO WORD OF THE DAY: OMELETTE- "Imma punch fit what you jes said, but OMELETTE this one go this time.

   "I'd like to thank my celebrity life-coaches Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Nicholas Cage, Wesley Snipes, & Nick Nolte for the overwhelming positive effect they've had on my recent life."

   I was at the red light beside a car load of mexicans when a semi ran over top them. I thought, dang that could've been me. So I got my CDL's

   " Dude,I wasn't that drunk." "....you gave a mushroom to a midget and kept yelling 'GROW MARIO GROW!'.

   Do it today. it might be illegal tomorrow.

   What happens at the sleepovers, Stays at the sleepovers.

   Why do I always crave Chick-Fil-A on Sunday and Outback Steaks at lunch time?

   Today is "Work Like A Dog Day". SO, I shall eat, sleep and wag my tail. Oh and maybe slobber a bit.

   If you get a tattoo on your face of another person you can pretty much guarantee you and that person is probably homeless

   IN CASE OF FIRE: Please exit the building immediately before updating your Facebook status about it.

   may the bridges I burn light my way...

   on a (̅_̅_̅(̲̲̲̲̲̅̅̅̅̅̅(̅_̅_̲̅м̲̅a̲̅я̲̅l̲̅b̲̅o̲̅r̲̅o̲̅̅ ̅_̅_̅()ڪے break !!

   Falling In Love With You Is The Second Best Thing I Have Done .. Finding You Is The First ♥ ..

   A true friend sees the first tear... catches the second... and stops the third

   When a girl stomach hurts it is always blamed on 1 of 2 "P" words by everyone... Period, Pregnant.. <--words do hurt :(

   Sluts should be called, HUMPTY DUMPTY. Coz first they get HUMPED, then they get DUMPED.

   I just saw a baby with a t-shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas!”

   To people who say love is more important than money, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?