Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "The guy you dreamed of isn't available, so they sent me instead." What all dudes should say on a first date.

   There are two types of people in the world: those who know how to handle stress and those who need bail money.

   My little sister's password for the Disney website is “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto” I asked her why, she said “They told me to use 4 characters”

   I'd go to the gym more but you have to park like 2 blocks away!

   Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money.

   At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture in there.

   Some open minds should be closed for repairs.

   I understand the concept of cooking and cleaning but now how it applies to me.

   I can leap off tall buildings in a single bound, but only once.

   You can take a hint or you can take a hike... But you are not taking my heart.

   Why is it when I go to McDonalds they ask if I want ketchup and they give me one packet for for my large fries. I go to Taco Bell they ask if I want hot sauce and I get sixteen packets for two tacos.

   Never say never......or too much......or schumoblagaghadazjy, because that's hard to pronounce and doesn't mean anything.

   ..... Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire ...... especially in the U. S. Congress!!

   "Sharks are like dogs. They only bite when you touch their private parts."

   If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest dammit! KNEES TO CHEST!

   I wanna steal a donut truck and go on a high speed chase cuz I think it'll be funny watching a bunch of cops chasing a donut truck

   Did you know if you hit someone really hard with a hammer, they IMMEDIATELY start planking?

   One packet of Kool-Aid 10 cents, one pitcher to put the Kool-Aid $2.00, drinking all the Kool-Aid and putting the almost empty container back in the fridge and having the wife blame and b*tch out the kids for it, PRICELESS

   Just got this DVD "Hot And Horny Housewives Do Anal 3". Do you think I will understand what's going on if I've not seen 1 and 2?

   Key to a long relationship: keep the fights clean and the sex dirty