Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear boys, the whole 'speed-by-girls-in-my-noisy-truck-and-impress-them' doesn't really work...but, then again you probably didn't need to hear that from me did you?

   Not to sound like an old maid, but why do people think they need to be in a relationship to be happy? Those who can stand on their own two feet are the ones that I admire most. Be strong and independent. Have patience and love will come.

   Some guys make me want to roundhouse kick them in the nutz.

   The price of books is ridiculous! We should at least get the teacher's edition for that price, dang...a free puppy wouldn't hurt either.

   You're more shallow than a kiddie pool.

   Take a hint: you don't look cool peeling out of a parking lot. You aren't a professional drag racer and it's f'n annoying. Now go buy some new tires.

   The later it gets at night, the funnier everything is. When you're laughing at nothing...it's time to go to bed.

   I don't need damn a brain, I have google.

   Prvo me upoznaj pa mi onda sudi, a ne po tome što pričaju ljudi ! :)

   Ya know it's a bad day when you wreck yourself before you check yourself.

   Shark Week Thought: Guy who takes his wife/girlfriend to the ocean/beach when it's that time of the month has a hidden agenda.

   JERSEY SNORE. And No! That's not a typo ;)

   Had 12 girls banging on my bedroom door last night... I said, No matter how hard you bang I am not letting you out

   Hey Facebook.. If I "UNFRIEND" someone.. Please don't put them in my "People you may know".. Of Course I F*ckin know them! I just choose not to be friends with them!

   MLB looking into Illegal poker games at Oscar Madison's apartment. Felix Unger has no comment.

   I'm the go to guy when it comes to going to a guy to find out what guy to go to.

   Dear God , whats your policy on heart replacements

   here's a condom...'cause I'm thoughtful and I want you to be safe when you go F&*k yourself.

   If someone posts "single and ready to mingle" on a public forum, they are single for a reason.

   Anyone with 600 friends shouldn't have to take their own picture.