BEGO Funny Status Messages

   There is a button on my oven that says ‘stop time'. I am pretty sure it means ‘stop timER' but I don't push it just in case.

   That weird awkward run you do when a car lets you cross the street.

   Half of my Facebook friends are still there solely because their life is a train wreck and it's entertaining.

   The only thing I know about Women: They don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.

   Sometimes I look at my friends and think to myself, "Where did I meet these crazy people?" But then I think "What would I do without them?"

   When you have a baby, does a hormone in your body force you to make your baby your Facebook profile picture?

   If there are two lanes, the left one is the fast lane. If you are being passed on the right, you are a jerk.

   Nobody should regret anything that made them smile.

   Toaster Settings: 1) I do nothing. 2) I do nothing. 3) I SET THE BREAD ON FIRE!

   LIKE if you remember what it was like to take a ton of pictures only to wait a week to find out they were useless.

   The most annoying sound = When a fly comes into your house and gets stuck in between the window and the blinds.

   Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood ... In 2011: he died of hunger.

   A life?! Where can I download one of those?

   Sometimes relationships last longer when facebook doesn't know about them.

   Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won't.

   Do you enjoy interacting with people?" "Nope" "Great, you're hired!" - DMV interview process

   I live in constant fear of accidentally mentioning something I only know about you because I've stalked you on the internet.

   Marriage. When dating goes too far.

   ‎3 Guys in Colorado died protecting their girlfriends. I dont want to hear any girls saying that ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME.

   I'm shy at first, but once I'm comfortable with you get ready for some crazy s$it.