Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just vacuumed up a nickel and it sounded like the crescendo from Ride of The Valkyries.

   If I got a haircut and didn't post the selfie on social media, did I really get a haircut?

   I love my women like I love my Ikea furniture, cheap and missing a couple screws

   Hotels are keeping the shower cap industry afloat.

   Just once I want to see a highway raised by its loving biological parents.

   Wife asked me if I wanted to play Cornhole? I said inside or outside? She just turned and walked away.

   Live everyday as though its your last........ and one day, you'll be right.

   Parents who name their kids after celebrities from their youth are evil to date their children like that. Sincerely, Ringo Jagger

   I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

   If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

   I don't wanna Rock and Roll all night anymore. An hour is fine. Two tops.

   I am going to change the name of my ipod to "The Ship." That way when I plug it into the computer, it says, "The Ship is syncing."

   Someone asked me how many lbs do I think I need to lose before I get thin. I told him, "the same number of brain cells you lost to become a complete imbecile."

   I was listening to Sirius XM radio yesterday, and "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is" by Chicago came on. I said, "It's 3:19." No response. No "thank you" or "I appreciate it." Nothing.

   Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my daughter will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids Bloody Mary in a Styrofoam cup with a straw.

   Some of you can count the number of times you lit off fireworks on one hand and after this week some of you will only be able to count the number of times you lit off fireworks on one hand.

   I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" ever came up with any other phrases.

   Let this stupid kid out that likes his own post for 100 tiimes and bring the funny ones back.. f this kid....

   The only time I've ever felt like a male trapped in a female's body was the 9 months before I was born.

   Waiting on my Canada Smoke Stimulus Check