Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   pretty soon, Americans are going to be e-mailing Nigerians about depositing money electronically...

   I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

   I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

   I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

   That was one time and I'm not allowed to have coffee anymore!....

   Why is the media so negative? Instead of "Polar Bear Kills Alaskan Teen", why not "Alaskan Teen Feeds Starving Polar Bear"?

   I got my name tattooed on my p*n*s. My girl goes, "Stop trying to put words in my mouth."

   Why does everyone think my Dad's are gay?

   these statues suck.how about some jokes guys

   I took my girl to the Premiere of the new Planet Of The Apes movie; she spent most of the night signing autographs.

   i think fake boobs should come with a squeaky toy inside. How much fun would that be!

   Lord give me strength to deal with these A$$hole$ or this Louisville Slugger will!

   Some people say the greatest joy is having a kid, but those people never driven a 600hp V10 BMW M6.

   pee-ing so hard a little bit of laugh came out

   Ladies, if he is strumming your pain with his fingers, you should see a doctor

   A person who follows the crowd usually gets no further than the crowd.

   i might have a piece of sh*t, but I drive it like its nice :)

   went to see the planet of the apes movie. and I be damned if I didnt see a classmate from high school in the movie

   A man sees her, he wants her, he makes her believe him, he gets bored, and he leaves.

   Its my Status and I'll cry if I want to