Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When your girlfriend asks, "Do I look fat?" the correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

   I just saved a lot of time in the doctor's office waiting room by walking around with a clipboard and showing people to any empty room. When the doctor showed up, I was the only one there.

   "My phone's about to die." - Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

   My friend said, "I don't like Budweiser or Coors, I only drink Corona." And I said, "I'm like a beer slut, I drink anything."

   Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.

   I just got an email from Northern Tool. Turns out, it isn't about a bunch of yankee retards.

   Judges who judge judgemental judging are often judged judgementally the way they judged. Judging other judgemental judges only brings greater judgement. Judgemental judging as you can easily judge is harsh judgement. Therefore Judge not lest ye be judged!

   I yawn and you assume I quit listening. Truth be told, I was never listening.

   Poking holes in your friend's condoms; it's all fun and games until your girlfriend ends up pregnant.

   3 Things Every New Nurse should know: 1) never get "eye level' to measure a sore on someone's bottom. 2) Yawning during tracheotomy care is BAD 3) Always smell an Apple Juice in the Nurses fridge before drinking or serving.

   Special note to all kids returning to school: If you see someone who is struggling to make friends or being bullied because he/she doesn't have many friends or because they are shy or not as pretty or not dressed in the most "in" clothes,PLEASE step up.

   My ex asked me how I've been. I just said 'Better without you'

   There was a chilled beer in the fridge and a note, "Don't drink me." Now there's an empty tin and a note, "Don't tell me what to do."

   i can take any amount of pain ecxept for stubbing my toe thats worse then chinese torture.

   Please don't wish me sweet dreams, I am diabetic.

   Don't judge a a person on some crap that you heard about their past. If you wasn't in it then it's none of your business.!!!

   It' s impossible to sneak Oreos out of this loud & sticky package they're in. Damn you Nabisco!!

   I'm curious how many of you are Austrian boys. Show of Hans?

   Ghetto word of the day : Omelet I shoulda slapped da fu*k outta yo a$$ but omelet dat sh!t slide dis time! 

   Ladies don't request a guy with a big d*ck and try to limit how deep he can go! You're in violation!!!!!