Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've got to stop believing everything I think.

   Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind."

   Well that's the last time I go to the gym. My Hershey bar melted in my back pocket.

   Obviously what I was trying in the past wasn't working. So I'm doing the opposite. "My name is Andrew. I'm unemployed and I live off borrowing money from people."

   My husband wished me a happy first day this morning (the first day for the next 25 years of marriage). I suggested we go for 50 to torment the children.

   You're so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye to you

   Hey have you ever been to london,,,,,its a fU%&king RIOT..!!!

   The song London Bridge Is Falling Down now makes sense!!

   My daughter lost her first tooth today. :) That will teach that witch not to talk back! >:(

   At some point I'm gonna have to start foingto the gym or do crystal meth. Just Sayin

   ever notice they can gossip for 2 mins on the radio about the kardashians, but they only have 10 secs for the weather or traffic??

   If my bosses don't come through soon with an iPhone, iPod, iTouch, and iPad to elevate my job-based technology access, then I'll be giving them a spanking new iQuit.

   LIKE if your parents ask you to do something and you tell them you'll do it in ten minutes then you never do it.

   When a woman compliments me on my looks, I assume she's ovulating or something.

   I bought a new roll of Bounty paper towels and misplaced them. Does that make me a bounty hunter now?

   I sometimes feel alone and insignificant, especially when people turn out the lights while I'm still in the bathroom

   There's nothing wrong with being short. You may be the last to know when it rains but you're the first to know when there is a flood.

   Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy. But rain on a woman wearing a white T-shirt and no bra makes me VERY happy!

   When a package says "Easy open" I end up using a knife, scissors, hammer, gun and a lightsaber.

   Ghetto Word of the Day: Decide “My boy fronting like he love his girl, but errbody know he got a couple of chicks on decide”.