Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tasted my own medicine. It's bacon flavored and hallucinogenic. Thanks for the advice!

   I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes.

   Having female friends is a lot like having a pet tiger. Fun in theory, but you're always waiting for the day they turn on you.

   When someone tells me to guess something and I don't but they keep telling me to try, I start to guess they want to be punched in the face.

   I've had a rough week, so I'm going to watch Jersey Shore to feel better about my life.

   Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It's IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top

   I refuse to go bungee jumping...I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.

   To steal from one is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

   Faithful and trust worthy partners are like a thong on a fat girl…so hard to find.

   forget the london roits , the main story I'm interested in is USA man killed by flying cow .... How did it get its pilot license?

   My son asked me why Piggly Wiggly sells bacon. He said, "Isn't that like them selling their soul?"

   Lets take a minute of silence for the people of Syria who, without outside help or becoming a burden on any country's economy or taxpayers, are fighting bare hand for their freedom. We are with you in spirit.

   heard that the Roswell aliens are not happy that America took one of their ships for a joyride and crashed it into the Pacific.

   Apparently, screaming "It's my money and I need it now!" out the window only goes over well in the commercials.

   When you steal a woman from another man in the middle of their relationship, don't be surprise tomorrow when someone else steals her from you coz she has already proven that she is steal-able.

   Every time I'm in a hotel and I pass by a room with a "DO NOT DISTURB" sign, I always assume that the people inside are banging the hell out of each other.

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”

   I see you're playing stupid. Looks like you're winning too.

   Watch out! It's quite possible some of my best mistakes haven't been made yet.

   After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I'm the most interesting man in the world.