Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   due to the london roits , london calling and anarchy in the uk sales have soared

   I wish I had more cents, scents, or sense!

   We get it, London, you're better at rioting than Vancouver, you can stop now.

   Just saw graffiti of someone's Twitter name. It's official- the world is ending.

   ever look at your old pillow without its case? Looks like a civil war bandage. Do our heads ooze syrup when we sleep?

   I don't spank my kid, I find waving the gun works so much better

   Watching Nat geographic channel all day, I now know how not to smuggle drugs across our border and how to Breakout of jail if I'm locked up abroad.

   I am so hungry I can eat a horse and a small fries.

   Any time there is large scale civil disorder, it makes one realize the extent to which society is based on consensus and trust.

   When I win the $118.8 Million cash prize tonight I'm not going to quit work, but I am going to see just how long it takes me to get fired.

   ujlkjtrp[ishuytuibnhhgoui5tohi​uhuhu Sorry there was a spider on the keyboard :P

   there has to be more in this universe, because earth is not where I belong

   I'm happier than a retard in a bubble wrap factory ...

   Ignorance is bliss ... always keep this in mind when communicating with those you may question with the information you are about to impart upon them.

   almost got fired at work today. I think I misunderstood my boss when she said she enjoys seeing me hard at work.

   Snooki is coming out with her new line of perfume, for when you want to smell like shame, selt-tanner, and herpies.

   Holly sh*t!! Thankfully I did not invest in the stock market. I took the $2.47 I made last week and invested it all in candy.........

   I was at this girls house last night, when I accidentally knocked her tooth brush into the toilet. I reached in and grabbed it quick and put it back. Luckily. I'll never see her again.

   as confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar....

   How come when women do it, they're "cougars," and when I do it, I'm "trespassing on school property"?