Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching Obama's press conference.... so far all I've gotten out of it is that gay soldiers are going to win the future in electric cars.

   I wonder if I ask too many hypothetical questions?

   Remember the good ol' days when people robbed banks... not the other way around?

   Help me out on my friends list. If you don't know me, like me, or don't talk to me, Delete my ass. Thanks.

   Have you ever noticed that all of the hot girl's profiles on facebook are private and all of the ugly girl's profiles on facebook are public?

   If more females would sit down and be ladies more males would stand up and be gentleman.

   Life was so much easier when girls had cooties!

   If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets

   As a non-smoker, "Thank You for Not Smoking" signs make me want to be thanked for other sh!t I'm not doing.

   look into my eyes, now sleep, sleep.....sleeep, so I can steal your pop-tarts

   Mexican words for the day...JEWEL & JAMAICAN Usage...I know one day JEWEL make me happy but today JAMAICAN me crazy!!

   Dear DR Phil, I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was having a wank I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?

   Wanna lose weight? Try the grapefruit diet. Eat something...follow with half a grapefruit. Eat something else...half a grapefruit. So far today I've had 94 grapefruits.

   On the 4th day of rioting my tru love gave to me, 3 Nike trainers, two ps3's, and a samsung HDTV !

   Completed 19 yrs in this life.,.,., but will always be "18 TILL I DIE"

   Just heard Obama is going on a 9-day vacation, I just assumed he's been on vacation.

   Good News! Gas is supposed to drop under $3/gal! Now we can afford to drive by the job we used to have, the home we used to own & the bank we used to have money in....

   Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind

   Few things broadcast one's idiocy like driving a car that has wheels that look like they cost more than the car itself

   So...... Stub Hub isn't a dating site for quadriplegics?