Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good thing these facebook pokes are cyber based. If they were real and unprotected, I wouldn't have a family, I'd have a city.

   My Uncle always told me our side of the family had Irish Alzhiemers , That's where you forget everything but the grudge

   I'm at the Dentist. He looks in my mouth and says, "Holy smoke! That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen! That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen!" I said, "I heard you the first time, Doc, sheesh." He goes, "That was an echo."

   why are most king-size comforters so ugly? My bed is not an obese woman in need of a flowered, polyester muumuu.

   Anything unrelated to elephants is irrELEPHANT

   Are they selling Tapout shirts by the pound now? That, or all these chubby kids in the mall actually ARE cage fighters...

   have you ever drank a milkshake so fast that your brain tells you to kill Ed Asner?... uh yeah, me neither

   it wrong to be this excited about Paranormal Activity 3 coming out in October? Well if it is, then I don't want to be right

   you've seen the cover of my book but you havent read my story

   Everything funny has already been said. The End.

   Instead of Red Eye Reduction on camera's why can't they make one with double chin reduction? You can put a man on the moon, but....sheesh.

   Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder!" That shut em up!

   Okay you fly-by-sunday christians, you can go back to sinning now that sunday is over.

   I believe what politicians say as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."

   Please don't try my patience. I already tried it and it doesn't work.

   Don't get mad when I don't do what you would have done, your rules don't apply to everyone else.

   When are Korn and Hole going to tour together?

   It makes no sense to commit yourself in a relationship if you still expect to have single people's privileges.

   My girlfriend called me sad because I always plan things months in advance. That's her off my Christmas card list!

   England have become the number one cricketing team in the world. We sure showed those 8 other teams.