Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just when I thought my dream was real.............the elephant wants to start talkin

   Why doesn't facebook just change the Poke to what it really means. "Bend over, I'll drive."

   My boss asked me if I was trying to give him a heart attack, I'm guessing by my smug smile and walk off he got his answer.

   Updating my status in the car. Don't worry, I'm in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.

   I miss being young and innocent. Now I'm old and guilty...

   Friends are like the walls of a house. Sometimes they hold you up, sometimes you lean on them. But sometimes, it's enough to know they're just standing by.

   It's the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!

   I've been celibate for so long all I have now is a bladder release valve!

   Guys who claim they are players usually get no plays. Beware of the quiet private ones.

   Obama just announced his NEW plan! He is going to vacation in Martha's Vineyard

   I am going to change your relationship status from “Taken” to “Stolen”

   Insomnia. I tried counting sheep, but they kept sitting down and telling me their problems. Very anxiety-ridden, those sheep...

   One of the unsung signs of depression is throwing away fast food trash in your bathroom trashcan.

   I'm so lazy I just gave up halfway through a shrug.

   I know my dream woman is out there somewhere. And that her boring friend is the one who's into me.

   So what happened?? Did London just find out about the Rodney King verdict

   it just me, or do those Stouffer's French Bread pizzas burn the sh%t out of the roof of your mouth too?

   Note to women: Its not that difficult to put the seat down if its left up.

   Marriage; the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy a license.

   A picture is worth a thousand words. Yours just says “slut” a thousand times in a row