Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wedding rings are bad for your circulation.

   Fat chicks never forget a drunken hook-up, because an elephant never forgets.

   "I could watch him play video games for hours," - said no one's wife, ever.

   ghetto word of the day...before: 2+2 before!

   Nice guys finish last....Real men finish on her face.

   I took a dump on a pigeons nest today. Revenge has never been this sweet.

   When someone is talking behind your back.....Just fart

   You know you are a sidechick when he got you saved under a dude's name in his phone.

   I saw a homeless guy holding a sign that said "Bet you cant hit me with a quarter!" I bet he didn't expect me to use a sling shot.

   Research shows that 80% of men don't know how to use condoms. These men are called DADS.

   All women are beautiful........UNTIL you enlarge their profile picture.

   People always say to me "Oh your a Male Nurse". My professions the ONLY one with a need to identify gender. Ya never hear "A Male Mailman handles my Mail". How would a Cop react if after pulling you over said smiling "Ooooh a MALE policeman!"

   If you have to make airplane noises to put your d*ck in your Girlfriends mouth..She is TOO young!

   "I'm laying by the pool. Better take a picture of my legs and post it on the internet." - Girls

   Men should always wear condoms because women carry diseases like emotions and pregnancy.

   Her make up make me wanna call her RACCOON.

   If I dont respond after 3 texts, get the hint.

   People worth dating are nearly impossible to come by.

   You always remember your first crush. Mine was Orange.

   Don't underestimate me. That's my family's job.