Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do we feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking "I'm gonna ki..- ahh damn! She's under a blanket."

   What's the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?... I don't have a Ferrari right now.

   Put deep thought in before you jump that little fence to "greener pastures". Because when you try to go back, and you probably will try, that same fence may become an infinite wall...

   it time for your medication or mine?

   Whenever you feel like an idiot, just remember that flushing the toilet correctly already makes you less of an idiot than someone else

   Why is it that I have to take medication to stop myself from slapping people who need to take medication?

   My mother + my father - condom = COOLEST PERSON ALIVE! :-).

   Why are people always trying to get into shape?? Round is a shape!

   Besides seeing it on money, 'government' and 'trust' do not mix.

   Have you ever deleted a "friend?" If so, what was your rationale?

   I just watch my dog chase his own tail for 10 minutes and I was like, "Wow dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.....

   My biological clock must be off.. I'm getting morning wood in the evening

   I would like to see the original blue prints for the city Starship built on rock and roll.

   I don't know how anybody gets attacked by sharks...As soon as I heard that first, "Dun, Dun." I'd be out of there.

   A nice name for a girl would be Regrette.

   A back-up plan means your plan sucks.

   thinks that you are never too old to talk into a fan to hear your robot voice.

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot." you are wasting everybody's time.

   Sometimes I whisper, "I'm on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.

   If they ever invent a sensor for behind-your-back eye-rolls, I am so screwed.