Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think its time to give in to sin. The devil on my right shoulder just killed the angel on my left with his pitchfork.

   A snail goes into a car dealership​ and says, "I wanna buy a little car. And I want you to paint a big "S" on the side of it." Salesman says, "OK, but why?" Snail says, "So when I pass by people will say LOOK AT THAT LITTLE S-CAR GO!"

   If her shoes still light up, she's too young for you.

   If your not going to remove that deer carcass from the side of the road can you at least turn his head so hes not looking at me while I drive by drinking my morning coffee!

   I'll keep my guns, my freedom & my money. You can keep the "change" !

   There's nothing worse than being cheated on...actually being cheated on with someone unemployed and ugly is worse.

   I got 99 problems...dont be the 100th.

   have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

   The Statue of Liberty is undergoing renovations. She's sure to attract a lot of immigrants with her new D-cups

   Dear radio stations, instead of 40 minutes of commercial free music, how about 5 minutes of good music?

   Two rules of success in life: 1. Always have some secrets. 2.

   I just accidentally mixed 'I cant believe its not butter' with my regular butter...now I don't know what to believe

   My last words will be either "I wonder what this does..." or "no, you put YOUR gun down."

   I swear it wasn't me that drew a d!ck on your face after you passed out. I traced it.

   The only person I have to be better than is the person I was yesterday.

   kleptomania, when it's bad I take something for it..........Nipper

   "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends".... if only all girls thought like the spice girls

   "They" say money and sex is the root of all evil. Well I think "they" are just poor virgins

   I don't know about flavored vodkas, but I'm pretty sure tequila only comes in one flavor; “Bad Decisions”.

   Behind every fat girl there is a beautiful woman.....No seriously, you're in the way.