Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Body piercing saved your life. -Jesus

   why do frogs make a mass exodus across the road when it rains?

   Why are Adam and Eve always depicted with belly buttons?

   My last child support paymen is due tomorrow............I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

   In an effort to save the economy the Government will be downsizing the population. Soon it will begin eliminating all the ugly people. My eyes began to water and my heart dropped when I thought of you, hang in there my friend. Be strong.

   She may think your tractor's sexy but she rides mine. ;0)

   Walmart Owner: "Ok, So here's the plan.We'll put 25-30 registers in each store. Then, we'll only put cashiers at 3 of them.It can't fail!"

   55 years ago tonight, Bela Lugosi died. He was the orignal Dracula, who thinks Bela from Twilight was named after him?

   Who says potheads are lazy?? I know a lot of em have to wake up a half hour early just to get stoned.

   If we could eavesdrop on every conversation people had about us, I'm pretty sure that none of us would have any friends.

   Note to self: The acronym for "Save the Date" is not appropriate to include all over a work memo

   I got pulled over by a cop today and he said PAPERS and I said SCISSORS--I WIN!!! Then he made me get out of my car and do a bunch of tests. Sore loser!!!

   Ya know those signs you see in towns that say, "Drive careful, we love our children?" Well DUH, you're not gonna see a sign that says, "GUN IT, WE'LL MAKE MORE!"

   Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money! I'm just sayin'.

   The proper word that describes you would be vinegar sac. Yep, I just said douche bag but in a fancy way!

   The fact that Sesame Street had to gently remind people, although Bert & Ernie possess many human characteristics, they remain puppets, & do not have a sexual orientation, just reaffirms my long held belief that most people are complete f*cking idiots.

   Air freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you've just took a dump.

   Ghetto Word Of The Day: DELIGHT Usage: She gotta big ass but her face is trash so when we do it I gotta turnoff delight.

   Miss the days when rappers used to rap about real sh*t, now they rap about candy likes its gangsta to eat a lollipop.

   The Ipad: Because not enough people noticed you with the Iphone.