Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Police will arrest a transvestite, and charge him with male fraud.

   Confucius Say: When wife complain too much about no magic in marriage, husband will disappear.

   If You look in fortune cookie, you are a pathetic fool who seeks advice from bakery products.

   Confucius Say; To get rid of unwanted pubic hair, one must spit.

   the economy is so bad I saw a walmart CEO shopping at walmart

   To get an Irishman to climb on the roof, tell him that the drinks are on the house

   A smile is like tight underwear ... it makes your cheeks go up.

   A clean tie will attract the soup of the day.

   Prisoners complain behind bars, husbands complain in them.

   When you feel lonely, CHEER UP! Just go to the mirror and say "Sh!t" I'm really so good looking!" You'll overcome your sadness. But don't make it a habit cuz liars go to hell!

   If a white person eats a cracker, is that cannibalism?

   wondering if its cool in China to get English words tattooed on their arms?

   Gay men don't play chess because they don't want to sacrifice a Queen.

   Confucius Says: Some Sex Is Good...More Is Better...Too Much Is Just About Right

   Ladies: stop getting relationship advice from your bitter, man-hating friend. It's like going to a strip club to find Jesus. She is single for a reason.

   Fellas: Your single, immature and still-virgin friends will call you weak, pu$$y whipped, and stupid when you choose to spend quality time with your girl. Just ignore them.

   life can be as sweet as you make it.. kinda like kool-aid.. life is kool-aid..

   Fellas: No woman will bother going after your heart if all you talk about is how fat your bank account is and how big your d*ck is. You sell what you advertise.

   When I die , I want to be buried with a ring of toasters or egg beaters around me . then when they dig me up 1000`s of years from now the archeologists will say "wow we stumbled apon someone of great importance"

   Years ago, my band gigged with a band of morons. The first thing they said to me was, "We're gonna blow you off the stage." I told them, "In that case, right here would be fine."