Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want my tombstone to say "Don't just stand there... water my flowers."

   5 Jobs Westboro Baptist Haters can do instead of protesting Military Funerals: 5) UFC grappling dummies 4) Product testers 4 Fleet's Enema Co. 3) Fear Factor game taste testers 2)Pridefest Clean Up Crew 1) HumanShields 4 R Troops since IEDs R from God.

   oday I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed "Why is there." Yahoo gave me "Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball" and Google gave me "Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn." Google wins yet again.

   I just cut a coupon for Adderall off the back of a box of Lucky Charms.

   not lookin forward to tonght...the voices in my head party way to hard on fridays!;p

   Sorry Al-Qaeda. but our Congress has been the better terrorist group for decades. They've been killing people mentally, psychologically, financially, physically, and of course economically. You're mad because you hate being #2.

   Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.. When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up.

   You can rely on me. I'm married, I'm trained to follow orders

   I miss Wesley Snipes. That man could act. You really believed for a moment that he was afraid of Michael Jackson in the Bad video.

   wears my glasses to the liquor store in an effort to appear responsible

   I work 2 jobs so my family won't be homeless. Ironically with all the extra shifts I'm home less.

   An archeologist is a garbage man who arrives too late

   I slept in this really nice hotel, the towels were so thick I could barely close my suitcase

   My Wife:"Honey the sales add says the dealership will make it easy for husbands to get a new car for their spouse this weekend!" Me: "Actually that sounds like a pretty good trade."

   Netflix is raising their prices again?! This sounds like a job for Hacker Group Anonymous!

   think I will go to the mall and watch people trip on an escalator

   We were so enamored that we forgot to check his qualifications

   Describe myself in one word? Okay....Handsomesexyintelligentfunny.

   they're are moments in life. Moments when you know u've crossed bridge and your old life is over. I'm into action. I have arrived!

   How can you tell when your wife is dead? Well the sex is pretty much the same but the dishes start piling up.