Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would like to see the original blue prints for the city Starship built on rock and roll.

   I don't know how anybody gets attacked by sharks...As soon as I heard that first, "Dun, Dun." I'd be out of there.

   A nice name for a girl would be Regrette.

   A back-up plan means your plan sucks.

   thinks that you are never too old to talk into a fan to hear your robot voice.

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot." you are wasting everybody's time.

   Sometimes I whisper, "I'm on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.

   If they ever invent a sensor for behind-your-back eye-rolls, I am so screwed.

   you ever noticed flies bother you when you don't have a flyswatter? and then you get the flyswatter and then there's none to be seen? Wth!?!

   organizing a flash mob at my place, Thursday 3pm. Bring lawnmowers.

   In California, you can get a medical marijuana prescription for anxiety, insomnia, or wanting your Lean Cuisine to taste like real food.

   The Dominos Pizza Tracker should always end with "Your New Chin, You Fat Piece of Sh!t".

   If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   I Just got outta the dentist office and they were VERY IMPRESSED with my teeth, that they even made me take a couple of head shot photos........... They called them X-Rays, but I knew what they were getting at.

   It's not speed that kills you. It's the suddenly coming to a dead stop that does it.

   Woman who wear something from Victoria's Secret, have no more secrets.

   Games Nursing Staff HATE playing on at a Nursing Home: 5) Ollie, Ollie Ijustpeed 4) Guess what's on My Shoe 3) Here we go Loopty Poo 2)Red Light, Green Light: A Game of Incontinence Care 1) Follow the Leaker

   Thank God I'm single..I don't have to pretend I give a damn about sports, cars, teenage girls in bikinis or his feelings.

   went from being "in a relationship" to "single." Ahhh I'm FREEE! Time for beer, sports, and p0rn

   Man who checks out woman's package, dosen't always work for UPS.