Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Abercrombie and Fitch telling the Jersey Shore Cast that wearing their brand makes the brand look scuzzy is a lot like Lindsay Lohan telling Paris Hilton that her partying antics make talentless famous starlets look like trash.

   had some x-rays taken today, turns out I'm not big-boned...just fat :(

   I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It's H2OMG

   finally, the Friday of my discontent

   Nobody is worth feeling like sh*t for, if they are not bringing you up, then drop their a$$ and stop letting them drag you down.

   Some girls date bad boys because they think they can 'fix them'. Stop it, he is not a broken car and you are not a mechanic.

   Don't worry about what people say about you. I mean, my shower saw me naked. Imagine what its telling the toaster?

   Married life has many Ups and Downs... I just wish most of them were between the sheets!

   ...3346,3347,3348,3349- DAMN SHEEP I WISH THEY'D DO THEIR DAMN JOBS!!!! *sigh*...3350,3351,3352...

   So, I see they have a gypsy in the new Big Brother house. Good luck trying to evict that!

   If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?

   Talk is cheap but liquor is cheaper

   It takes two to tango and a London mob to tangle

   Looks can be deceiving, so just turn around and I'll judge you by you booty

   Don't judge a book by its cover except for Facebook.

   It took 1hr 24min to watch 30 Minutes or Less.

   You wanna raise your child with no manners? Fine. But don't be mad when they're mean to my kid, and they come flying through your yard with a black eye because I punted them out of mine.

   Irony is not dead. The U.S. Embassy in Kabul wishes the people of Afghanistan a "Happy and Peaceful Independence Day."

   Penguins can't fly, and I can't fly. therefore I am a penguin

   Ambercrombie and fitch said they are going to offer to pay the Jersey Shore cast to stop wearing their clothing. Nothing like one group of douchebags telling another group of douchebags to stop dressing like douchebags.