Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The bum economy has sent gold prices sky rocketing....It's so high that an angry flash mob looted Mr. T!

   Women use their purses as a way to "mark" their territory while shoppin. They make us men hold their purses . I don't care if your Arnold Schwarzenegger, you look like a doofus holding your wifes purse outside a Fashion Barn dressing room.

   Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian might be the first time in history that the roles have been reversed and a ball player has trapped a hoe.

   I want my tombstone to say "Watch where your standing... that hurts!"

   'I love having sex with you' doesn't mean, 'I'm only having sex with you'

   Everybody has that one person who always catches you doing weird stuff.

   The most beautiful people are the ones who do not have the intention to look good but end up accidentally looking good.

   If she listens to lil wayne, she to young for you bro

   Celebrities of old had talent and class! Why then are the likes of the Kardashians and Hiltons considered celebrities when they have neither?

   I'm not saying Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are talentless and incapable of attracting faithful fans. What I'm saying is that most of those fans still live in Grandma's Basement and keep the great American product KY Jelly in steady production.

   I'm better than most people. Even in the small things. Like when I use a Public Toilet I can easily ascertain that I'm better than 95% of the people who've been there because I know how to flush properlly.

   Single women are the reason women are single

   After looking for hours I'm pretty sure Waldo has the d@mn remote again.

   Now remember, in a romantic passionate marriage no one wears the pants.

   All my Wargaming Buddies need to keep this in mind: The game is just ga without me..

   If I ever end up missing, please put my picture on a bottle of vodka and not a milk carton, because then I know for sure that my friends will remember to look for me!

   If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon.

   If smart phones were so smart they'd figure out a way to last longer than four hours.

   Love one, forget many.Do many, remember one.

   Was in the public rest room - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"... Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!" Stall: "So what are you up to?"... Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here." Stall: "Can I come over?"