Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Any man can admire your frame but a real man will admire the masterpiece within the frame.

   If you call my house and fail to leave a message, you deserve to be screened.

   Once you graduate college, pigtails become shorthand for "daddy issues."

   The very moment I can imagine a really hot girl taking a dump, is the very second I'm no longer attracted to her

   Changed your status to complicated? Can't decide which hand to use?

   Blonde goes to the doctor very upset..."i have these dark circles under my eyes n no matter how much sleep I get they wont go away"....."maam, those r ur nostrils" @_@

   I have said it before and I will say it again. IT

   Your pictures would look a lot better if they were real.

   If A-B-C-D didn't drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn't have to be so rushed.

   I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.

   TSA has announced Nude scanning . Now women have to diet not only for swim wear but going to the airport too!

   The Internet is the world's greatest source of things you don't really need.

   I don't think the economy has turned around so much as it has backed over us and parked.

   Why do receipts need to be 75 feet long? I reach into my pocket thinking I have a wad of cash, turns out I just bought a soda earlier.

   I always say, "If you can't say anything nice, we have a lot in common. "

   When work gets monotonous I go for a long sit down potty Break. Then I can honestly say to my boss "Hey! I'm one of the few people who actually gives a sh*t around here!"

   A smart man never interrupts his wife.....when she is......... cooking cleaning and doing laundry!

   Some people just don't get it. If you're not happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. GET A LIFE FIRST then try to share it

   #ThatMomentOfPanic when the 2 year old's parent asks, "Who hurt you", and the child points at you..............FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!

   I just play music louder and louder til I can't hear my stupid seat belt warning beeping