Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why can't Chinese couples have caucasian babies? Because two Wongs don't make a White!

   ..... Just heard that the Etch-a-Sketch art museum in DC was a total loss ...

   So why do people say they're speechless... And then give a speech?

   How is it that you can sue a cigarette company for cancer & Mcdonalds for getting fat, but you can't sue Budweiser for all the ugly people you've woke up next to?

   Any questions asked while I am counting out scoops of coffee will be answered with louder counting.

   I offered a bum a ride this morning but she refused to get in the trunk. You just can't help some people.

   If a lesbian c@ckblocks another lesbian, would it then be considered a beaver dam?

   I may be a 32 year OLD man with a slight belly in just a dirty white T-shirt and Hanes boxer briefs, but when I'm on my patio having a smoke I pose like I'm in Calvin Klein Photo Shoot.

   If a lesbian c0ckblocks another lesbian, would it then be considered a beaver dam?

   SEX It may have only 3 letters but it can have as many characters as you like.

   My girlfriend asked me what I would do if she were to die. I told her I'd probably do 25 to life.

   Making someone shudder means you're either doing something very wrong or very right.

   thinking about seeing the movie Fright Night. It's filled with vampires, great jokes and hot girls in their underwear. Just like my mind

   Why do people feel comfortable texting you things they would never have the guts to say to your face?

   Seismologists have confirmed the cause of the quake in DC today was the Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves!

   AKK AKK AKK! Spinachk is me favorik fruitk. (I love Popeye.)

   He doesn't want to believe that someone as horrible as Gaddafi could have a comeback, but hell, the Smurfs did it. 

   It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

   on this day in 2010, thanks facebook for reminding me of my breakup last year

   The epicenter of the quake has been pin-pointed to a graveyard outside of DC, where all of our Founding Fathers had rolled over in their graves.