Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I heard you are good at mathematics! Can you replace my X without asking Y?

   Don't love the person who "enjoys" with you. Love the person who "suffers" without you.

   The Red Plastic Cup.... Making you feel like 15 to 24 years old again!

   Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.

   I heard that Steve Jobs was trying to type "I reign as CEO of Apple!" on his iPhone, but the autocorrect got him.

   If I put half as much effort into my relationships as I put into charging my phone I might not die alone...

   I just heard Steve Jobs Resigned from Apple Computers. His last thing to show people today was called a iquit.....

   15% of men see " <3 " as a heart. 85% see " <3 " as a party hat on boobs.

   Saw a lady in line at grocery store... Could tell she was single by the ammount of cat food she bought

   Texting+Facebook=Textbook. So..., I'm studying?

   your shoes so cheap, you click'em three times and you end up in a crackhouse

   hears Gold dropped 104.00 per ounce today...let's start working on the economic bail-out package for Mr. T.

   iWon't make any lame Steve Jobs jokes

   Eminem and Bruno Mars mixed together would a yummy candy bar

   i go through my "friends who are on chat" list and see whose on thinking to myself which ones I would have sex with

   Most memorable quote by a mother: "Waldo, just where the hell have you been?"

   My redneck cousin from Virginia ordered a shake at the McDonald's drive-thru just seconds before the quake hit. Said he never expected such fast service.

   My list of things that are great: bills, traffic, the NBA lockout, the recession, Obama's plans.... Oh! and sarcasm.

   I don't like bragging, hipsters, but wearing ugly clothes that don't fit was my thing in 3rd grade. Also dumb glasses and bad music.

   Fellas--you CAN be friends with women, but if she's got those eyes that awaken the beast within, then relax and go see a movie by yourself.