Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "That guy is such a douchebag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!" - Women

   Son: Dad can I go to a 50 Cent concert? Dad: Here's $1, take your sister with you.

   It took losing you to find me though it would have taken finding me to keep me from losing you.

   A new study says the Internet is as addictive as cigarettes & booze. But every blog that I've read for the last 8 hours straight disagrees

   Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.

   If you have a pic of a celebrity as your profile pic I am going to assume you are one ugly puppy with extreme low self esteem.

   And now, for my amazing feat today, I shall turn water into coffee!! Tune in later for world domination....after the laundrys done ;)

   The GOP slams Obama's Martha's Vineyard vacation. They'd denounce it from the floor of Congress, but they're all on vacation...

   I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and have also bought jewelry.

   "XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX"-Pierce Morgan

   They call her “SWITCH” because anyone can turn her on.

   still think that Carlos Santana looks exactly like Muammar Gaddafi...Carlos Santana better be laying low for a while until this whole thing settles down

   Dr. Phil is human garbage and he should have hot sauce poured into every orfice of his body, then be given an ice cold shower and forced to stay in it for a couple hours.

   It's too bad that everyone that has a solution for everything is at home commenting on the Internet.

   Just walk up to a blonde and tell her to say "Alpha kenny Body" really fast.

   I'm sorry Febreeze.. I don't believe the commercials where you take the two blindfolded women into a crack house and the kitchen with the decaying meat tray and they smell Yosimte National Park.. :-/

   I might have lost the relationship, but I regained myself.

   I hate people who say, “Talk to me I am bored”. STFU, do I look like I was put on this planet to entertain you?

   She asked me how to spell slut. So I helped her spell her name.

   Facebook: All the people you didn't like from high school- now with pictures of their kids!