Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had sex with an ohmless person last night. There was very little resistance. (most of you will be too dumb to get this)

   If you get any dumber, you might wanna put your helmet on.

   President Obama felt the Virginia Earthquake at the White House where he said it was centered on the George Bush Fault Line.

   Life is what you make it! I made it into a bottle of booze and chugged the whole bottle in one sitting and then threw the bottle at a tree.

   You've really got to hand it to short people. Because they often can't reach it.

   There was just a 5.8 earthquake in Washington. Obama wanted it to be 3.4, but the Republicans wanted 5.8, so he compromised.

   feel so dissed the earthquake missed me. anyone else wanna rock my world?

   in support of our brothers and sisters who just experienced the earthquake on the east coast, I think all west coasters should have the rest of the day off!!!

   I think Haiti should send Washington money for the next 19 months now!

   Did anyone else feel that? Oprah must be fat again

   so east coast wasnt suppose to get a slip in the fault for another few hundred years.. the world is coming to an end now. earthquakes=funtimes

   I was on the toilet droppin a deuce, and thought it was epic until CNN had to ruin my personal high with their eathquake kill joy!

   Damn Earthquake made me spill my tea, and I'm a 1000 miles away.. I'm available for interviews ; )

   It's only insulting when you don't have a sense of humor.

   This Jack Daniels tastes a little bit like I'm not going to work tomorrow.

   A woman walks up to the golf pro at her country club and complains that something must be done about the bees on the course. "Where did you get stung?" he asks. "Between the first and second holes," she says. "Well then, your stance is too wide."

   I dont know what you're doing, but I'm watching Fox News waiting for them to find a way to blame Obama for the earthquake...

   Earthquakes, The number 1 cause of all Facebook updates.

   Sex with an ex is like borrowing a car you sold to a friend. The handling is very familiar but you feel a need to abuse it a little.

   4 Steps to dealing with telemarketers: 1. Repeat yourself 3 times 2. Always respond in question form 3. Scream at random 4. Make no sense