Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some day, I will meet a woman who loves me for who I am and supports all my dreams. And I'll think, "Something must be wrong with this one."

   If you survived a shark attack, nice job, @#!*% . You just missed out on the coolest way to die.

   ‎"I didn't know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book"

   Wedding Rings... The world's smallest handcuffs!

   SON: Dad, Can I go to a 50cent Concert? DAD: Here's $1. Take your sister too

   Let's make fake tan orange people an official race so we can discriminate against them properly.

   When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?

   WORD OF THE DAY: OBAMA. As in: I bought a 12 pack of beer and drank it OBAMA self.

   There's a limited amount of people whose feelings I care for. The rest of you all can go to a therapist for that.

   Women should "learn to close softly the doors to rooms they will not be coming back to.”

   I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.

   To the man who said money can't buy real happiness..... you just didn't know where to shop dude....!

   girls with flat chests and guys with hips deserve each other.......its only fair.

   Females that utter males terms such as "Suck My D*ck" will NEVER get married.

   Today I met a FOOL who has both, his girlfriend and her mother as friends on his Facebook.

   Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.

   Before you go in and fight for something, just make sure its worth the effort and time.

   Relationships are like math problems. Sometimes you have to take someone out of the equation, put someone else in, and everything balances out.

   Sitting here eating a dozen wings thinking how badly I want to be a vegetarian.

   Shakespear in prison: To take it or not to take it, THAT is the question