Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Making someone shudder means you're either doing something very wrong or very right.

   thinking about seeing the movie Fright Night. It's filled with vampires, great jokes and hot girls in their underwear. Just like my mind

   Why do people feel comfortable texting you things they would never have the guts to say to your face?

   Seismologists have confirmed the cause of the quake in DC today was the Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves!

   AKK AKK AKK! Spinachk is me favorik fruitk. (I love Popeye.)

   He doesn't want to believe that someone as horrible as Gaddafi could have a comeback, but hell, the Smurfs did it. 

   It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

   on this day in 2010, thanks facebook for reminding me of my breakup last year

   The epicenter of the quake has been pin-pointed to a graveyard outside of DC, where all of our Founding Fathers had rolled over in their graves.

   if you have an iphone, it means you like being told what to like.

   Being loved unconditionally is not a free pass to mess up.

   It takes more muscles to frown than it does to just completely ignore people.

   If you can't stay faithful, dont be in a relationship.. simple!

   Those who say laughter is the best medicine obviously never heard a great joke while suffering with diarrhoea.

   Quote of the week "Tactically, it's all going as planned.." Qaddafi

   Will and Jada splitting, 5.8 earthquake in DC, and now Hurricane Irene as a possible Cat 4 landfall this weekend??? Lord have mercy............

   When you stretch and your inner porn star moan comes out by accident.

   Would like to give a big shout out to the people that are hard of hearing

   When the sex is good, the neighbours get no rest.

   living the Champagne lifestyle with Bud Light pockets