Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   since I am unemployed I tell everyone "this is my Friday" all day everyday so at least I get some cheap thrill out of dying alone

   People say that you chew ice cubes when your sexually frustrated: Related News, I am responsible for the shrinking Ice caps.

   I'm a walking Economy. My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of the two is putting me into a deep depression!

   My sleep number is 80 proof..

   stocking up on Hurricanes for the hurricane

   If you have to steal something. then it's obvious you never needed it in the first place.

   Just remember...when you're sitting down praying to be someone else, someone else is praying to be you.

   [How Most Wars Have Started Between Countries] "You believe in God?", "No" , (BANG!!). or "You believe in God?" , "Yes" , "You believe in MY God?" , "No" , (BANG!!)

   The 5th Commandment, Thou shall not kill...Murder. But isn't it funny that more people have been killed in the name of God then in any other event ever on this planet.

   How come when they kill a fetus during conception it's an abortion, but if it's a chicken, its an omelette....or scrambled eggs?

   It's so hot out... the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

   long distance works is something High School Seniors made up to get laid before they go to college

   Made it through Irene's rain band. They could use a new lead singer and a drummer.

   Irene is on her way and she looks mean, wet and wild. So make sure you prepare yourself for the beat down..

   At a time like this I wonder...What would Jimmy Buffett do???

   THIS JUST IN: CHILD ACTOR BUCKWHEAT HAS CONVERTED HIS RELIGION TO ISLAM. HE WILL NOW GO BY THE NAME, "KAREEM OF WHEAT''. FILM AT ELEVEN.

   When her favorite song comes on she shakes the a$$ like a pro but can't ride a d*ck to save her life

   Why do they thank me in the cafeteria when I pay for my food like I had a choice? Just tell me "enjoy the diarrhea" and I'll move along.

   They are giving free AIDS test at the DMV. The only thing worse than waiting in line at DMV is finding out you have AIDS.

   It's weird that my neighbors won't let me borrow their keys & make a copy of them in case I need to clean their house while they're asleep.