Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ♫♪♫♪ Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye ♪♪♫♫ Come on, Irene♫♪♪

   I noticed the storm track seems to be somewhere between the moon and New York City!

   As a show of support for all my friends effected by or responding to Hurricane Irene, I am currently sitting in a washer set to spin............

   How is being married like a hurricane? There is a lot of blowing at first, but sooner or later your gonna lose your house.

   my smart phone is the dumbest in its class!

   Got my passport application forms back today. Apparently in the Place of Birth section:"between my mother's legs" isn't an acceptable answer!!!

   Google refuses to give churches the same discounts as other non-profits. Apparently they believe in the separation of church and search

   Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

   The hurricane is losing strength, damn. I was hoping for a new boat in my front yard.

   for your information, I only had 1 winekiller captain buzzcooler!

   the worst part about volunteering at a multiple personality disorder meeting is the time it takes filling out all the name tags

   Did you hear? Hurricane Irene is going to slam into New York City like Lindsay Lohan slamming into the sidewalk in front of a nightclub.

   I'm about to head to the bar and pretend to be blind so women will let me touch their faces.... good times...

   Dear Hurricane Irene please spare all my friends that live on the east coast, my heart and prayers go out to them, but if you make land fall in the New Jersey shore area, please take Snooki and the cast of Jersey Shore out to sea with you. Thanks' a bu

   When will my dog ever get the hint that my leg “just wants to be friends.”

   i just found a web site where you can see women with no clothes on not even underwear! brb!

   It's not that big women aren't attractive, I just don't think my pick up line could hold the weight.

   I should try my hand at high stakes poker because I'm pretty good at keeping a straight face when knowingly using an expired coupon.

   Top 5 causes of loose stools: 5. Indian food 4. Lactose 3. Coffee 2. Mexican food 1. IKEA

   "I enjoy short walks to the fridge" - Fat people personal ads