Funny Status Messages

   Giving my liver a Rocky Balboa style pep talk for the upcoming weekend.

   Keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

   I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

   The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

   I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

   I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

   Cant we have a cage match Antifa vs, KKK instead of riots?

   we are making money again... markets are going up up up

   two babies starting a true crime podcast about who got their nose

   soup was invented in 1927 by John Soup when he wanted to drink a chicken

   Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

   I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

   My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed

   I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub. Now I have a swimming pool.

   World’s Most Dangerous Bees 6. Honey 5. Killer 4. Fris 3. Hucka 2. Zom 1. Apple

   The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

   People who confuse the word "burro" with "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

   I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...

   Before you come out to the country, remember we'll sit in a tree all day waiting to kill something.

   Obviously stupidity is much more contagious than Covid19