Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Without hoarding I'm proud to say that I haven't used any toilet paper since the coronavirus started. Thank you Chipotle!

   Everything I need to know in life I learned in First Grade... if you poop your pants they let you go home.

   Gee I sure hope the rioters in DC don’t do anything to the IRS building at 1111 Constitution Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20224.

   You'll never hear the phrase "It's time to separate the men from the boys" in a Catholic church.

   Giving my liver a Rocky Balboa style pep talk for the upcoming weekend.

   Keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

   I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

   The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

   I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

   I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

   Cant we have a cage match Antifa vs, KKK instead of riots?

   we are making money again... markets are going up up up

   two babies starting a true crime podcast about who got their nose

   soup was invented in 1927 by John Soup when he wanted to drink a chicken

   Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

   I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

   My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed

   I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub. Now I have a swimming pool.

   World’s Most Dangerous Bees 6. Honey 5. Killer 4. Fris 3. Hucka 2. Zom 1. Apple

   The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.