Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4617 of 6446

There's no better person to have as your friend than a bartender who doesn't give a f*ck.

I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems. I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them.

I would suggest a battle of wits but I suspect you're low on ammunition.

Hey, I found your nose, it was in my business again!

it just me or has the iPhone gone from spell correction to straight up "no no you would much prefer THIS random word" correction?

Life is precious and short. If you have time today, make sure to tell your enemies to f*ck off before they die and you're too late.

I shouldn't have to watch out for kids at play. They should have to watch out for my car. What other responsibilities do they have?

If you're easily offended, you'll want to skip over the post below... Actually, just skip all of mine. I don't want DoucheBags reading them anyway.

Notices that should be on packaging #1 "I said open the OTHER end you daft twat... Now get a dust pan and brush"
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08-30-2011 13:01
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I drugged my coffee with steroids so now it's strong enough to kick your ass!

My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyway.

Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife's can shorten it.

If you're doing it right, someone will say you're doing it wrong.

MTV Cribs is a nice reminder that we all act like complete idiots when we come into money.

A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!
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08-30-2011 10:49
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Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman. If your man needs pills to get it up, maybe you are not as sexy as you assumed.
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08-30-2011 10:46
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"I want to drink a lot of vodka but I also want to look pretentious." - Inventor of the Martini.

Eagles give Vick $100M, 6-year contract. That is $700M, 42-year contract in dog years...

A guy who takes his wife swimming at a shark infested beach when it's that time of the month has a hidden agenda.
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08-30-2011 09:51
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Grrrr, just poured hot coffee on a cup that was upside down.