Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If anyone wants to donate money for Hurricane Irene, make check out to me, so I can assist beachfront bars in recovering from their loss of income. Cash is also accepted.

   Dear Jamie Lee "Stupid Liar Face" Curtis, I ate 32 Activia yogurts an hour ago and nothing has h

   Washing nylons in the sink makes me feel like the grown up lady I pictured when I was little

   If anyone is truly disappointed by the lack of destruction done by Irene, I will gladly come by & break all your sh*t & leave a few bruises.......

   I have learned one thing since joining Facebook - I'm not nearly as messed up as I thought I was.

   "Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary!" - Sunday Brunch was delicious.

   It's sad that... last week's earthquake was the most movement we have seen coming from Congress in quite sometime now.

   My back just cracked to the beat of "The Rhythm is Gonna Get You". It finally got me...

   I absolutely HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT!

   Wanna feel like a female porn star? Aggressively open a Yoplait under your nose.

   Stuttering's cool if you think of it as a drumroll for your sentence!

   The scoreboard reads Manchester United - 8 Arsenal - Who?

   I refuse to believe there's enough happiness in the world to justify anyone sticking magnetic daisies on their car.

   I am very much an acquired taste. If you don't like me, I suggest you acquire some good taste!

   It definitely takes a lot of courage to stand up to your enemies but it takes a whole lot more to stand up to your friends...or to yourself.

   If there's one thing I've learned since becoming a father it's just because the kids say they don't want any bacon, make 2 extra slices, because they are lying.

   I got blown out in my Fantasy Hurricane League this weekend

   What do Apple and the US economy have in common now? No Jobs

   Hurricane Irene is like Paris Hilton ...in the news all the time despite not doing much and has gone down on the entire east coast

   I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff will come down for a while. B