Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip

   So the women of facebook are ## weeks and craving ???? . . the # relates to the month they were born, and the craving is the date (secret emails) . supposed to raise awareness for cancer, only this it makes me aware of is how sneaky women are

   May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.

   Dear Fellow Motorist, When your nosehairs get so long you have a boog flapping in the wind hanging on for dear life that can be seen one lane over, I think it's time to invest in a trimmer. Sincerely, Really Grossed Out

   I saw a girl with a belly ring. She must've weighed 400 lbs. That belly ring turned out to be a hitch.

   Where there's a will I want to be in it

   You never see the guys putting big advertisement signs up on the highways

   Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don't mix.

   I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, “Forget everything you know about kitchen knives.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me knives, and I didn't know what they were!

   Today, I found out that ‘Made in China' stickers are made in Korea. Mind = BLOWN!

   The Lord works in mysterious ways… Just like those road maintenance guys.

   My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.

   Here's a little bit of advice for you.. advi

   Facebook should change the status question from “What's on your mind?” to “What's your problem today?”

   Girl: oh sh*t you feeling real freaky so you brought whip cream cherries and the syrup Guy: no b*tch I just wanted a sundae!

   and God said, "Let there be Friday" ..and the devil said, "Let there be beer"

   Your lips are tasting like Vodka and I just wanna get wasted.

   Dear huge spider that was in my shower, I'm sorry I killed you. The ugly fact of nature is I was just bigger than you. Had you been a hungry tiger...It would be me waded up in a kleen

   If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything...

   I am just happy to be real, in a world that has gone FAKE.