Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day... give a woman a compliment and he can 'eat' for a week.

   been spending most my life living in a Gansta's Paradise...

   The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that.

   When the boss says, "OK, just keep me updated," he really means, "Don't bother me again until you're finished, you peasant b!tch."

   why is it that people like to sit in the front seat of the car, but the back seat of the bus?

   I like to go to telemarketing firms and interrupt their job by eating my dinner loudly.

   My girlfriends sister sat on my glasses and broke them earlier. I was was so pissed off. Though to be fair it was my own fault for leaving them on.

   I knew this hurricane would be lame. After all, they named it after a chinese lady with one leg.

   If you are really "friends" with that many people on facebook, why are you alone standing in front of a mirror taking a picture of yourself? Cant you get one of your 867 friends to take it?

   Peace & quiet are fundamental and necessary for a short time each and every day :)

   It's not the getting up and getting ready for work that I hate. It's the 8 hour wait to go home that's the b!tch

   in the famous words of Pepe Le Pew "Le Monday, you le suck!"

   You know if I was the ruler of my own country and I thought the people were gonna revolt against me...I would probably give them free rice krispies treats...Cuz aint no way you could stay mad at someone whose giving you free rice krispies treats...

   Its shake weight time, minus the shake weight.

   My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

   There are basically only four ways to handle Mondays; get around it, get under it, get through it, or get the f*ck over it.

   I wouldn't say she was fat but she has to wear a G-rope.

   I see they now have a candle scent called "Maple Butter". Nice, but "Maple Butter with Bacon" would be oh so much better.

   To all the people who failed out of high school, just remember two things: 1) At least you tried your best, and 2) I said NO tomatoes on my burger, b!tch!

   Once you go Facebook - You never go back.