Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is precious and short. If you have time today, make sure to tell your enemies to f*ck off before they die and you're too late.

   I shouldn't have to watch out for kids at play. They should have to watch out for my car. What other responsibilities do they have?

   If you're easily offended, you'll want to skip over the post below... Actually, just skip all of mine. I don't want DoucheBags reading them anyway.

   Notices that should be on packaging #1 "I said open the OTHER end you daft twat... Now get a dust pan and brush"

   I drugged my coffee with steroids so now it's strong enough to kick your ass!

   My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyway.

   Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife's can shorten it.

   If you're doing it right, someone will say you're doing it wrong.

   MTV Cribs is a nice reminder that we all act like complete idiots when we come into money.

   A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!

   Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman. If your man needs pills to get it up, maybe you are not as sexy as you assumed.

   "I want to drink a lot of vodka but I also want to look pretentious." - Inventor of the Martini.

   Eagles give Vick $100M, 6-year contract. That is $700M, 42-year contract in dog years...

   A guy who takes his wife swimming at a shark infested beach when it's that time of the month has a hidden agenda.

   Grrrr, just poured hot coffee on a cup that was upside down.

   Just because a few people of questionable eyesight and judgment say you are pretty does not automatically make you a model.

   It sad when you realize that even your hideously ugly friend is in a relationship and you are still single and dateless.

   I'm not rude...I just wasn't taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can't stand.

   When a thief kisses you, count your teeth.

   Cesar Millan's tactics work perfectly fine on teenagers just as much as they work on dogs.