Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marijuana is illegal....but so is the music on your iPod

   Someone called me Psycho, but I think they really meant Psychic!

   A secret is something you tell to one person at a time.

   Having a dog is like having an alarm system that stains your floors.

   ❒Single ❒Taken ✔ Unable to find love because my standards have been set unrealistically high after mentally dating a celebrity.

   Dear ASPCA,Why don't you use the money you spend on airing that same commercial to feed those animals.Yours truly ,Pissed off TV Viewer.

   Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."

   VMA recap: Lady GaGa came in as a man. Nicki Minaj came as Lady GaGa, and Jay-z came in Beyonce

   It's not the destination, it's the journey. Except when you're heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea

   You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee

   This girl got all pissed off at me because I was reading the back of her pants......so what if I was trying to read it in braille

   Why do I need scissors to open a pack of scissors anyway...the whole point of buying scissors is that I don't f**king have any

   Sitting here watching thousands of dollars worth of food be thrown away on Hell's Kitchen while I eat my Ramen Noodles

   Why haven't they proved/disproved the myth "Once you go black you never go back" on Myth Busters?

   When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke

   Teenage pregnancy just dropped 50% due to the release of Madden12

   Why does every Nickelodeon and Disney actor/actress have to be given a Record Deal? Just because they can act, doesn't mean they can SING.

   "I wasn't that drunk.."Dude, you hugged an old guy with a white beard and cried, "DUMBLEDORE, YOU'RE BACK!"

   moves like jagger

   Why is it when women are on their "that time of month" do they have to feel like they have to fly around the room on a broom and beat you with it??