Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Blaming others for your misfortune can ruin your health -- which you'll probably just blame on somebody else too.

   Any fool can be a Father, but it takes a real man to be a Daddy!!

   What do you call a one leeged Japanese woman Wait for it ...... Irene !!!

   sometimes you gotta save peoples numbers just so you know which ones to ignore!!

   today was alot like my X girlfriend... cold and miserable

   The VMA's is the only day out of every year that MTV pretends to care about music.. Then its back to the pregnant teens, jersey people in italy, and sweet 16 birthday parties

   No I didn't watch the VMA. I was unaware MTV EVEN showed music videos anymore

   Lady Gaga says her fans are monsters.Really? Then how come the Wolfman hates her guts?

   This hotel has the worst mini-bar. All the little bottles of booze taste like shampoo.

   I walk into the 7/11, and the female clerk says, "You look JUST like my fourth husband!" I said, "Really...you've been married four times?' She goes, "No. Three."

   Have you ever thought about the fact that Mr. Krabs lives in Bikini Bottom?

   So Lady Gaga, goes to the VMA's as alter ego Jo Calderon. I guess the thought of her being a Denny's menu item was not manly enough...!

   Disappointed that Lady Gaga did not show up this year at the VMA's, I was really looking forward to my Grand Slam.

   Maybe Beyonce should have put a NuvaRing on it.

   Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

   When I'm drunk, my phone should say "are you sure you want to send this text?"

   heard Chaz Bono insisted he be paired with a female partner on "Dancing With The Stars" so ABC immediately went out and got Richard Simmons!

   Lil Wayne will not be upstaged by the Carter/Knowles clan tonight. When he brings Drake out to announce Drakes pregnant by him.

   So i'm heading down to the ballgame with my 2 buddies, and some guy says to me: "are they going too". I replied: "No, there just coming to sit in the car while I watch the game"... Why do people stupidly state the obvious?

   You keep me humble, you catch my stumble and you never let me crumble!