Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never wave to a proctologist...You may get the finger in return!

   When ever I see a guy type a "<3" I automatically think theyre gay...

   If I give a chick my heart and she CHEAT i'm going to leave our sex tape on her parents front door and label it "FAMILY REUNION"

   Me and my ex were together for like 9 years, and I will say this about her, even twords the end she still brought out the animal in me. Everytime she got into bed I would run to the door and start scratching and whining to be let out. :P

   Damn I just seen this big chick with a belly ring soon as she sat down it VANISHED

   Confidence is the foundation upon which beauty is built.

   These ‘energy saving' light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.

   1000 aches = 1 megahurtz

   Ever wonder why some people wait 'til they're in their cars and stopped at traffic lights to pick their noses?

   I want to say I deserve better and mean it. I want to say I give up and believe it. I want to say I'm moving on and do it.

   Contrary to popular belief, the best relationship does not start with great sex; the best relationship always starts with a great friendship.

   I they rain on my parade, I dance in their rain.

   Had breakfast at Waffle House, as I was leaving the waitress said "Have a waffly day". Now I'm thinking great, a whole day of indecision.

   If you are in a relationship, and you are not enjoying all the great things and benefits that come with a relationship, double check the meaning of a RELATIONSHIP.

   Usually when a woman cries, it's not just over one thing. It's built up anger and emotions that she has been holding in for far too long.

   Just a reminder. If it sounds too good to be true... don't click on it. Your naïveté is posted all over our walls, and frankly, I'm embarrassed for you.

   DODGY EMAIL WARNING! Do not under any circumstances open any email you receive which says 'two free tickets to see Arsenal". It contains two free tickets to see Arsenal. Please pass it on.

   Before having sex with a woman finger her and put it to her nose if she jumps back, kick that b*tch out.

   A real woman will not accept expensive gifts from a man she is not prepared to accept into her life.

   Before asking someone why they hate you, slap and ask yourself why you even care.