Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it odd that plenty of fish lets you search for a girl who does drugs often? I guess I have never woke up and said "Wow, I sure wish I could meet a nice meth head somehow"

   just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream

   I'm more confused than an infant in a titty bar.

   Every time I concentrate real hard, it starts to smell like incense.

   "Strike while the iron is hot" is pretty violent advice, but I guess if I'm hitting someone with an iron it might as well be hot.

   It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard.This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase"Regards"ever again.

   at least the Notre Dame crowd Evacuated Like A Champion Yesterday

   Sometimes when an attractive woman starts talking to me I forget how to speak and just start doing lunges.

   I met a girl the other day. She said it's a must for her mate to be into the arts. I told her I am very much into the arts... the art of beer drinking, the art of watching football, and the art of long walks on the beach after anal.

   Thank goodness pets can't talk, they know way too much.

   Q: Why are single women skinnier than married women? A: Single women go to the fridge, see nothing nice and then go to bed. Married women go to bed, see nothing nice and then go to the fridge.

   told my girlfriend .. "if you ever want to try anal sex, I'll be behind you all the way"!!

   Why Are there always TWO bathtubs? And they're outside? ....... Wrong,, Wrong,, Wrong,, These people don't need a little blue pill,, they need counsuling....

   I'm more scared than Barack Obama at a Willie Nelson concert.

   After watching Transformers, I just spent an hour in my garage telling my car that I know his secret. Maybe he's just shy.

   Don't take me for granted and break my heart, because unlike the others, I will kick your a$$.

   Car commercials make driving around in empty parking garages look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.

   Interesting how you can't say "prick" on TV as a noun or calling someone the name. You can say you got a prick on your finger just don't say you fingered a prick.

   i'm so romantic, sometimes I think I should date myself.

   You try to teach a kid not to steal, but every once in a while they come back with something you really want. Now I have a back scratcher.