Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cops sent me a picture of me speeding through a red light so I sent them a picture of a check.Cop then sends me a picture of handcuffs.You win !!

   haha to the mosquito's who just bit me, enjoy the hangover tomorrow. haha

   With show after show about it on the History Channel, I'm starting to think the Holocaust might have really happened.

   While eating dinner I dropped food on my napkin by accident and caught myself licking it off. What the hell is wrong with me?

   These new energy saving light bulbs are not all they're cracked up to be. It takes just as much effort to screw them in as the old light bulbs!!!!

   B*I*T*C*H - Babe In Total Control of Herself

   True Beauty = (Woman + Confidence) - Make Up

   Clerk: Hi, welcome To McDonalds, what can I get you? Me: Yeah, can I get half a dozen chicken nuggets please? Clerk: Oh I'm sorry, we only serve 6, 10 or 20-piece. Me: So you can't serve me half a dozen chicken nuggets? Clerk: No sir Me: OK, interesting.

   Only when I'm drinking Jager, think I have the moves like Jagger

   The pain your heart feels when you have your mind set on a shoe and they tell you "We don't have your size"

   #Thinking ...This chick is weird and odd but LORD DOES SHE HAVE A BOD!!

   I started chatting to this plump girl in a bar. "Oh God," she moaned, "You smell amazing. What is it?" "Apple Pies," I said.

   My doctor is a weight loss expert. He removes the fat from my wallet.

   Sometimes I ask myself “Why me?What have I done to deserve this?” Then, I say to myself, “Oh…right.”

   Saying “I forgive you” is the kindest way to tell someone: “I still think it's your fault.”

   Once you go big, you'll never go twig!

   Life is full of disappointments, I'll just add you to the list.

   It's kind of like comparing bermuda shorts and capri pants... both are cute, but those few extra inches make a world of difference...

   Oh, I saw your new boyfriend. So what happened to your standards?

   Wanna make her smile ? Tell her you are hungry and when she replies "What you want to eat" you say "YOU"