Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WTF..Is the statue of liberty doing in my back yard...!!!

   When my ex moved out while I was at work, she took my new flat screen tv, but she couldn't find the remote. I will occasionally drive to her house around 2 am and turn the TV on and the volume all the way up. I'll give it 2 years and call us even."

   Lady GaGa was born this way 8======D

   Hey, don't worry the 'too young' dude got himself a new helmet. He'll be ok once it loosens up

   3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the worlds population

   Beyonce & Jay-Z are expecting a baby. Man, that kid is gonna have everything! Except a last name.

   \(^_(-_(o_(0_0)_o)_o)_o) <-----Me & my crew. Thats me on the far left waving and somebody else sleeping

   I wasn't born with enough middle fingers

   Forget all of those bumper stickers that talk about Honor Roll Students. They are outdated. I want one that says "My kid's in high school and I'm not a grandpa."

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day... give a woman a compliment and he can 'eat' for a week.

   been spending most my life living in a Gansta's Paradise...

   The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that.

   When the boss says, "OK, just keep me updated," he really means, "Don't bother me again until you're finished, you peasant b!tch."

   why is it that people like to sit in the front seat of the car, but the back seat of the bus?

   I like to go to telemarketing firms and interrupt their job by eating my dinner loudly.

   My girlfriends sister sat on my glasses and broke them earlier. I was was so pissed off. Though to be fair it was my own fault for leaving them on.

   I knew this hurricane would be lame. After all, they named it after a chinese lady with one leg.

   If you are really "friends" with that many people on facebook, why are you alone standing in front of a mirror taking a picture of yourself? Cant you get one of your 867 friends to take it?

   Peace & quiet are fundamental and necessary for a short time each and every day :)

   It's not the getting up and getting ready for work that I hate. It's the 8 hour wait to go home that's the b!tch