Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never know if I have free time or if I just keep forgetting stuff...

   Flip phones are coming back into style which means I'll finally look cool using my old one that's more streamlined and cost $1,400 less.

   I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

   If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.

   hey teens, you think you're angry now, wait until you have to buy your own toilet paper

   If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off... It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

   Things you can't touch: 1. Happines 2. The Easter Bunny 3. Your wife's sister 4. This

   Just saved a guy from drowning by throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline. He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

   Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

   I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase 'jumping on the bandwagon' got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

   today. for the first time in a long time. I checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

   When I was a little kid I was under so much pressure when Smokey the Bear said "Only YOU can prevent forest fires!" until my mother explained that I really didn't have to do it alone.

   My friends describe me as "I'm sorry, he's not usually like this."

   if I had a girlfriend I would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

   I went into a library today and asked if they had any books on shelves

   I'm awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time...

   Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

   My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR.

   I went to see a fat psychic the other day..... well it was actually a four chin teller.

   What is a cannibal’s favourite sandwich? Kevin Bacon, lettuce, and tomato.