Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do I need scissors to open a pack of scissors anyway...the whole point of buying scissors is that I don't f**king have any

   Sitting here watching thousands of dollars worth of food be thrown away on Hell's Kitchen while I eat my Ramen Noodles

   Why haven't they proved/disproved the myth "Once you go black you never go back" on Myth Busters?

   When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke

   Teenage pregnancy just dropped 50% due to the release of Madden12

   Why does every Nickelodeon and Disney actor/actress have to be given a Record Deal? Just because they can act, doesn't mean they can SING.

   "I wasn't that drunk.."Dude, you hugged an old guy with a white beard and cried, "DUMBLEDORE, YOU'RE BACK!"

   moves like jagger

   Why is it when women are on their "that time of month" do they have to feel like they have to fly around the room on a broom and beat you with it??

   What is about public restrooms that make people go, "Yeah, I'm just not going to flush"

   Hey guy walking down the street talking on bluetooth with a bag in one hand and nothing in the other, please use your free hand to slap yourself

   wondering which foreign countries are currently helping US during this Hurricane Irene clean up effort... (including shelter and food for the families whose lifestyles were turned upside down)

   “The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old

   So this "Planking" thing... laying face down on various objects... I've been doing that forever. I call it "Sleeping" though.

   So my tailbone has been killing me cause I'm putting in extra hours working. I talked to the nurse about it. She said and I quote "stop sitting on your ass so much".

   Some girl at the nightclub last night said to me, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha." I replied, "20 x 0 = 0." That shut the focker up.

   Ladies: Having a male friend is a lot like having a pet tiger. Sure its fun in theory, but you're always waiting for the day it turns on you.

   Arsenal fans didn't have breakfast today; apparently they 8 - 2 much yesterday

   Turns out, if your boss is mad at you, playing a surprise game of "Got Your Nose" will NOT ease the tension.

   Here's something you'll never hear, "Oh cool, you have a pink lighter."