Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat

   And Jesus said to His disciples, "Follow me....on twitter."

   if cows could fly, would they all migrate to India?

   A real woman not accept expensive gifts from a man she is not attracted to and has no intention of dating. But a gold-digger would.

   Someday we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

   Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think that I ... wait what were we thinking about?

   Barbie is going to be so happy. She is getting over the fact that Ken comes in a different box.

   With gold prices so high, and considering how much Goldschläger that I drink, I'm taking my turds down to cash4gold.

   Having sex is like riding a bicycle. It's fun till your ass starts to hurt and the chain comes off.

   In only 366 days, I will be one year clean and sober.cheers,!

   My ex girlfriend felt the same way about anal, as she did about eating at McDonald's... If she was drunk enough, she would do it.

   Football season is a lot like my se(x) life....except for I actually care when football season is coming.

   I can let the fact that she owns a cat slide....as long as it's never been used as her profile pic.

   In my house, relationships go sour before a gallon of milk does...

   My wife thinks i'm crazy. I'm beginning to regret all the effort I put into protecting her from the king of the potato people.

   I bought an anti bullying wrist band today...I say bought I actually stole it of a fat ginger kid

   I've learned that fights can always be avoided with a slow kiss of the forehead.

   Rough day. Truck broke down, went to find help, ended up in a human centipede.

   My kid asks me why the clock says 4:30. Ummm, because it's 4:30. So dumb, I don't care if you're five.

   If I won the lottery I wouldn't quit my job. However, I would test the limits of misbehaving until they fired me :) __ I'll call this wish #473.